one thousand
words daily
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| That mantis that was cool w/ me. |
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| I went outside before I left the other day to get a closer view. |
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| I got a clear shot of her... thorax and my wrist. I've still got the gift! |
To say
that I have more faith in wild animals than I do in the human genome is an
understatement but I’m holding on y’all, like a man holding onto a stop sign in
a hurricane, I’m a holdin’ on! It has
always been that way even as a child noticing the inconsistencies in human
nature yet the absolute perfection in nature around me. Can a trust the nature of a wild animal more
than my next of kin or more than a human being? Hell yeah! The reactions of a wild animal are
predictable, for we can see their uneasiness in the hair bristles, body
language and furthermore, being who we are, some of us have a gift or a certain
knack which prevents such bad things (such as animal attacks and stabbings)
from happening. I can’t say the same for
those wild animal tamers, people that train animals for circuses and for Hollywood,
and idiotic human beings that purposely provoke others but I have always had a
calling to help living things in need, from things that crawl, growl to things
that wildly sprout.
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| Swollen leg of three days with skin graph. |
I feel rest
assured that in my short span of life that I have gone far and beyond what my
calling has asked, yet I am still prepared to do more if able. Today
is a new day filled with some type of resuscitated hope. I told myself that since swelling in one leg
refuses to go down, that I was going to stay in bed until things got a bit
better and pain resided, at least enough for me to walk on two canes better and
with more ease. I saw a new doctor the
other day with hopes that things would change but she wants to see blood work
first as well as new X-rays, then return in three weeks, with no pain meds for
now. Let us take note that I have no history of drug use, nor I am not a tweeker
like these folks I flash on here in the notorious Central Valley of California. I just explained to her that I filed a
grievance with the previous provider and sought an alternate opinion.
hop with
the best
Why did
I see a test for HIV on my chart to send to Quest Diagnostics? Should I tell
this ignorant immigrant lady (I wanted to say something else) my history as a
Prevention Case Manager, Medical Case Manager and HIV Medical Case Manager, or
just act dumb and bite the bullet, wasting my time and just let her figure
things out, slowly. No, I should be
quite right, as my fiancé put it, that would just make me look like an asshole
however at this point, I’m just sick of folks insulting my intelligence. She
failed to ask whether or not I have had the same sexual partner for the past
six plus years amongst other pre-screenings that would set me up for such a
test but like many Africans (except for my African friends I bet) suggest and
as I have heard “African Americans are promiscuous, Black men are bad fathers
and Black women are loose,” are the stereotypes I have heard while I was on the
East Coast… from African folks. Did I
prove them wrong!
Aside
from the medical bs, I was compelled to write this post after a thought this
early afternoon about family and for this I am glad that they, family do not
read this blog. My initial thought was “Why
didn’t my father raise my brother and sister,” which was a very much fucked up thought
of mine. I’ll tell you where it came
from. My pops has been very “Black Power,”
to the core and community driven, yet my brother and sister do not have the
heart like I do. As my pregnant fiancé and
I went to the Tracy Public Library to set up our computers to do our thing, I,
who decided that it would become too hot in a Rasta van to just lay down and
rest my legs for hours, decided that it was best to go inside and complete a
book I have been working hard on.
I just
didn’t know if I would be able to walk from the parking space into the library
in my present condition. As I work my
difficult legs up to the task, I notice my pregnant fiancé with heavy computer
walking out fast. I ask her what
happened. She explains that after she
set up and started up her computer, she was asked to leave due to a group that
needed to use all of the desks (a group of mentally disabled) which is fine,
however, she wasn’t the only one that had to stop and leave, without
notice. I immediately got upset and mentioned
about my siblings.
option
for success is… no rest
My
sister helps run an organization that has shared workspace, yet we cannot
afford to pay for the both of us to sit there, perhaps one, but not both. We are constantly flabbergasted and blown
away when folks don’t stand up for us as we would stand up in a heartbeat,
without question for others. As we say
in The Bay “It is what it is!” Even E-40 has a song like that. So forget my pain from all parts of legs,
calves, heels, shins, feet, and stinging, burning, pulsating, knees hurting,
going out on me to almost falling down many times during the day… it ain’t
shit. I literally have to fake it till I
make it.
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| My beautiful fiance posing for the camera. |
At this point in my existence with a ten year old that is
treated like the third wheel with new babies around him, my fiancé with five
kids and her ex won’t even answer the phone for us to speak to and a healthy miracle
baby of ours in the oven, what choice do I really have? I would love to have
the finances to pay for the wedding she wants as well as the house, office or
apartment we need but for now, I will have to rely on complete strangers and
God, not family (they help to some degree, I am thankful but have explained that for their reasons cannot help me out of this one), and that’s just how it is. I can bless y’all with a poem fsho!
Here’s game spit I must emit in poetic form once mo. Just take a glance below…
Demons snarl in contempt when their contingency plan goes south
Sputtering curses, growls, the foulest of sounds and with
that, slobber and smells from their mouths
When a man’s best nature cannot be withheld, he
Draws his sword with one accord upon the promise that with
even while pimping his pen
His swift might with the angel’s sight will be felt
Pain knows no tolerance as hell know no furry as the woman
he protects
As babies that leave this Earth much too soon wait to hold
their parents who
At the same time work understanding time given and the
waiting in-between to hold them once more
We decide on our own what things mean and how exactly we are
to handle things when
Things fail to add up and when handles on old schools fall off
and windows fail to roll up
While mosquitoes gladly fly in sucking the blood we hold to
keep warm for another day
Praying for strength others will never have even in ten thousand
seasons
Excuses float on toxic oceans of shame as we see ten
thousand reasons
Babies see none of this, nor do children as all they want to
do is play, be loved and dream
Work must be done still under our Creator’s given burning
sun
Even if cancer is allowed to come along with the climate
change and so-called unforeseen pain
We create conditions persistent with the mission of smiles
and forever thanks
Due to the promise of new life as hope resides forever
regardless of death
Amongst syringes, man-made diseases, false reasoning for
greed and amongst the sharpest of shanks
No Permission to Squash Opposition
10-19-2018
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