Opportunities for growth, Dealing with the Self, Contentment & Inner-Peace

It is rare that I dedicate poems or writings to myself. It is time for me to rewind, reflect, act now, so that I may unwind and create a bright future that may wait.

This particular blog post has erupted from many experiences and due to an array of common human life circumstances.  Many whom I know are going through divorces, relationship changes, life changes, career changes, self realizations, issues with one’s life path, or path we have taken and close encounters with new life and the reality of death, whether it be directly or personally affected by a loved one no longer around in body.  One common thread in these conversations is heartbreak, psychological abuse, neglect, being taking for granted, Self Consciousness, and expectations brought about by family as well as self.

As I compile my thoughts like a zip file in a computer crunching information, things my close friends have shared with me all follow similar patterns.  First I thought it was age, as it very well might be, however, I am beginning to wonder if the problems many (including me) are facing in their lives from financial to familial have any thing to do about how we see ourselves and how we deal with our Self. You see… this question of the Self was something that was addressed in an Intro to Philosophy course I once took. It led me to realizations and questions that seemed to stem from the very place societies are grown from: Values and Virtues, most often shared in close-knit communities, but one thing is for certain, we are all growing wiser, learning, and living.  When we are stagnant and do nothing to enrich our lives, our minds of the lives of others, then that’s being dead, I prefer to be happy & live, but yeah I know… easier said than done.

  

                                                                   An Opportunity

Two weeks ago I was granted an opportunity to attend a family reunion, something that I have always wanted to do since I barely know anyone from my father’s side of the family.  On this journey to get to know my family I gained a chance to look at who I am and discovered that I am still depressed.  The last two days of the family reunion I felt no particular need, urgency, or calling to be with family. Aside from my father’s side of the family, my mother, brother and uncle lived in the same city the family reunion was taking place, a perfect reason to bring my son to meet his uncle and cousins and spend time with his grandmother. When I visited my uncle and spent time with my brother, I was reminded many things, such as, people don’t change, care to think about what makes you comfortable when it comes to them feeling good, and that my patience level with many things and people is diminishing quickly.  I found out many things about the family that I didn’t know… but what I discovered about myself… what I found within was frightening.  

            A mirror holds no more truth than that of the eyes staring into it.

Realizations:

            One way I used to be able to tell whether I could stand or whether or not I was happy with myself was the mirror test.  I cannot lie to myself for long.  If I looked away, like an uncomfortable person might do when looked at, then that was the truth. At the family reunion, I felt something strange; it wasn’t bad vibes from the family. The feelings were intense, fear of judgments, “what ifs” like what if so and so got drunk and said something to piss me off, what if… Bullshit! I felt a bit pissed off that this was one of the only times that I had met these family members of mine, a bit disgruntled that my father barely made attempts for me or my brother to visit the family back east. I found feelings all over the place and thoughts that had me up for hours at night when I should have been asleep. Was I really this angry with my father? Did I develop a type of class-consciousness about my family, well, my father’s first cousins? What I felt came down to me realizing that there is/was a sense of discontentment within myself, a sort of dissatisfaction that comes from one that over analyzes their life accomplishments, but I am still young in years, and immature in experience so it is okay. Learn I must, trust I must have with faith & hope, and love, as in a relationship is an element that will come when I’m ready to accept the challenge.

Realities of the Self:

            Though the eyes may be closed and our bodies and minds might seem asleep, the spirit within is churning and the soul is forever alert. In San Diego, I also found that one of my gifts has not left me, the knack for folks to be receptive of my caring nature, for instance, one guy just stopped his car in the middle of the street and began telling me his problems. “You’re just a magnet for crazy people aren’t you,” my mother says. Then I explain to her that this always happens to me and that I am a magnet for crazy people… and crazy women. Things of this nature used to be very common to me in checkout lines, walking down the street, or eating a bite out somewhere, folks will just out of the blue begin to tell me their problems. Usually I respond with some wise words I find within, but this time, I said nothing… I said nothing.    Oftentimes a person’s actions speak louder than words, however, what do we do if it is hard for us to speak? We Write!!!

            What I found in San Diego was that I am really depressed.  I believe that I am really depressed, although I also believe that it is simply circumstantial, so let me enact some things that leads me out of my current circumstances, for “I refuse to be a victim of circumstance, I am the navigator of my own ship with a clear starry sky & God as my navigator.”  Why is in necessary for me to uplift myself? Why is it necessary for me to find comfort in giving comfort & advice to others? What is churning deep within me (other than my soul) that needs nurturing? It is what we don’t say to others that haunts us, what we don’t say to ourselves that bites us back. It is what we fail to understand about life, ourselves, a well as the hearts and intentions of others that leaves us baffled sailing through a place in our lives hungry, misunderstood, uneasy, sad, depressed and very anxious. It is what we fail to do for ourselves that hurts the softest part of our heart.

Self Conviction, Self Hate & Self Love:      

“Can’t you see that I’m the biggest hater of me, I find myself constantly, disappointed by what my eyes hurt to see,” as I once wrote in a rap. At times we deprive ourself from education, experience, nourishment & Love, emotionally isolating and hanging ourselves, crucifying ourselves leaving what we didn’t destroy to vultures, coyotes and parasites We can at times be our worst critic, the one holding the gavel and at the same time on stand, the prosecutor and the defense. I often find myself escaping reality in procrastination and deep thought, however my “right mind” as I call it or my Conscience self won’t let that happen for too long before the self hate steps in. Perhaps hate is a strong word, yet I fully understand how it comes about. How do we wake ourselves up and realize how beautiful and fortunate we are, living thankfully with faith and just action, when we get confused and overwhelmed with the way things are, feeling powerless about the change we could be scared of attaining, again, with an inner-fear that we might screw it up? Answer: Any way we positively and possibly can! So how necessary is “Doing us,” loving ourselves and enjoying the pleasures that make us remember the passed days… or nights J. How deserving are we of being happy, successful, (whatever your measure be).  What is beautiful in your eyes? What does it mean to be rich? What types of richness are they and which types do you possess?  How much do we all deserve Love and to be loved?

            So what’s up with everyone saying “I’m gonna just do me,” or “I’m doing me,” neglecting those around us or unintentionally abusing those around us that love us ever so dearly. So what I see is “I’m doing me,” turns into “Fuck you,” when the selfish desire to love oneself goes a bit too far like a very bad joke.  “Doing You,” is NOT an excuse to fuck over others. I just had to rant and say that… Now on the subject of loving one’s self and completing/fulfilling desires, do you think there are some desires that would hurt others or could possible hurt yourself? "Do we escape heartache by doing Us, or just prolong the inescapable suffering?"  How about neglect, are we neglecting anyone we love or that loves us by (clearing my throat) doing ourselves (sounds a bit nasty to me :D)?  I once wrote that Love is detrimental to the survival of the human race for protecting ourselves as well as others creating families and passing on knowledge, much easier done when out of love or for the love of giving. Well if it’s love that I believe will keep me sane, then it’s lots of love I will send to other’s as well as myself. Below is a poem, hope you enjoy.

Shed tears find no shelter from blinding skin stinging sand storms

As bodies grow tired with struggle and stress & minds fail to rest

Bullets scream bloody murder before they enter the places they hope to leave soon

Often in ricochet they find a way of escape

As we bounce off of experiences hoping each will strengthen us as

We find escapes in the damndest and very obvious of places

As coping is done differently by each… belts, shoe strings, extension chords & ropes…

Are sadly tied as other ties are broken that once held generations strong

Trying desperately to fabricate believable lies to self and erase memories & faces when it Is our own reflection or shadow we sometimes find difficult to view

With us searching for answers in front of us… it is us we begin to distrust

There is an unseen fabric that connects us regardless of self-disgust

Beautifully imperfect us

One that connects all living things that hold purpose yet a fabric seldom discussed

Yards of silky linen of all colors and shines hold us

Tied around our waists to hold us firm as we dangle

Inches from a deceiving smelters smoldering hell

A place that even some soldiers gone there won’t dare to tell

But we all have battles as much as we all have emotions, or

It at least sometimes seems that way…”sometimes,” (in my Bilal voice)

We all have baggage or have had it from black trash bag to Samsonite

Expectations now flourish with chlorine & fluoride treated water

Treating ourselves to things such as false sugars & placebos…

That make our bones brittle and muscles ever so weak &

The mind really is a dangerous place as we are led like pork to the smokehouse

Fattened up to please everyone else but me, but…

Am I fat enough for them?

Is making it and bringing home the bacon enough?

Pretty/Handsome enough, smart enough, cool enough, elegant, intelligent,

Silly to act a fool enough? Sexy enough? “Damn it… is anything ever enough?”

Should I measure my successes with the length of each gray hair

Multiplied by my years and wrinkles, or

The worth of a pearl from an oyster that is as old as I?

Perhaps by yards of the walks I have walked, many football fields over

And over again until my shoes wear down & feet grow sore

Precious life of mine I do adore… so

Why have I attempted suicide before, thought about it countless times?

Is it because I’m a writer and many go out this way, violently or with a bang

Or like lives that felt too often that they didn’t meet, convinced that…

They couldn’t meet the challenge, like them, the balance, it hangs

As I struggle to find my own amongst broken flash drives

Piecing together the shattered & dangerously sharp stained glass

That has wonderfully become my color-filled life but you know

We are often deceived

That we can’t

Even by us…unless we do this or

Help them or…

Go there and shmooze with whose who while I am barely a somebody when

I am King, Captain, Survivor, Supervisor in this short life I have known as mine

But I stand relieved once more finding peace when I…

Exact the location of the coordinates and attack the evil agent

No confusion need live here

Only Love…

Contentment, promise, purpose, preservation, progress, prosperity & inner-peace

As I remember flash pictures of beautiful things like

Drives like ones in back country Bay Area & San Diego, the ones in Maui

My hikes, swims and dives… my life,

So many smiles & laughs… my son

Love, much love streaming from all directions of me

Love given fruitfully to me by individuals and

Infinite Love I experience from our creator

As I am shown many things including myself I am forever grateful

Reminded that I am never alone through pains & mass precipitation

Forever loyal to all I love and respect, checking myself & trying to stay patient

For it’s time for us to love to live to love for ourselves and hopefully

Hopefully I’ll once again spend time with those that believed in me

Prayed for me, stayed with me and up late for me, adored me as I have them

Family and friends and hopefully, hopefully heaven will be waiting

After my heart has stopped beating

After there’s no battles worth my fighting and enemies worth defeating

After all stories are told to my grandchildren and I begin the repeating them yet

They still ask to hear more with eagerness to listen, I to see them achieving…

Goals that they have set for themselves, as I finish little that I actually start

Once I feel completed in every way and nothing feels missing

When rising of the sun and it’s setting is similar to the kissing I’ve done again & again

I’ll be walking yards along those pearly gates, listening to the music within

When my body is tired, soul at ease and no one living that on me depend

I might shed tears of happiness or… I might just smile

For now, I might learn to love and trust again

I might pick up the deep hustle within me and create dividends

I will stand strong like trees with deep roots through the storm and live to feel the rain Again

Yards…Again

8-20-2011

Calling Conscience: What can you Stomach?

"What do we do when our conscience calls & we’re too... fucked up within to answer?" was a question I started & my father finished.

            It began with a conversation about nutrition.  My father asked “Are you going to eat (as he’s reading the label) this Black Forest Chocolate Cherry Cake?” with a grin on his face. I respond “Yeah, I’ll probably take a big slice, leave one for you & throw the rest away,” I say since my father and I are supposedly very health conscience and our family and friends see us that way.

            After my bowl of cinnamon toast crunch (hahaha) I put the box back, my father gets curious & asks, “Is that cereal there?” Of course, thinking about my father’s health, “This is just sugar, pure sugar,” I tell him as he takes the box out of the pantry and reads out loud the grams of sugar. I begin to complete a meal of quinoa, rice & lentils that I started last night, turn back around and my father is eating this stuff, thinking out loud in moans of measurement, intrigue and pleasure “MMmmm, MMmm.” "And this is what they feed our kids, this was one of my favorite cereals,” I tell him.

            I got this box from the food pantry “FOOD PANTRY?” my father says in a surprised questioning tone, as we both are amazed at the expiration dates and amount of sugary food given out there. Nevertheless I’m always thankful & grateful when I go there & glad that they exist, never asking myself “why am I here.” So yesterday pops gave me a ride to the food pantry (Inter-Faith Ministries) to get some information on how to get my car fixed for free, since a very loved friend of mine told me about the resource (and pick up some food of course) and of course I see the same thing as I always do.

Over weight white women that are missing a few teeth on Crystal Meth and some that would be looked at as white trash, men securing boxes and bags of sugar filled foods(cakes, doughnuts, chips, Danishes w/canned essentials) to their bikes,  Mexican families, and usually, well, hopefully (I know this sounds bad but I’ll explain later) one black person.

“I watched person after person, all over weight, I saw two old overweight ladies piling that stuff into their car… and my eyes teared up,” explained pops…and I too see it all the time. We spoke about how sad it is to see these people, out of jobs, resorted to lining up for this tasty but very bad food. I notice many with cars that were new six years ago, Lexus, Toyotas, S.U.V.s, minivans all not too old (which tells a separate story), and we gawk as we, as I myself experience the realities of disadvantaged & neglected America. “Sometimes it’s hard for me to even go in there, especially because of how I start to feel,” I relay to my father as I begin to describe the demographics and atmosphere in this blessed place of help called the food pantry, including an old Back man I noticed sitting near me who was also waiting for his name to be called.

            He wore a pair of denim overalls, old baseball cap, walked with a slight side to side wobble as old men tend to have, kind of like the old folks I remember in my home town of East Palo Alto, the kind always going on fishing trips and playing dominoes out side of the retiree community center at Bell St. park.  These wise figures of my past, these men are filled with so much wisdom it’s amazing, most having old ties to the country somewhere that you can hear escape in their lively conversations about anything in particular, yet I said nothing.  I spoke to one middle aged White guy about books, sci fi, fantasy and some of the classics I noticed, although fantasy is not usually my cup of tea when reading. The White dude even drove to his house, which wasn't far away to get a few books for me (political in nature) but still I said nothing to the old guy I wanted to get to know.

            I mean, I knew him, not personally, but his story was most likely similar to many that I have grown to know.  He was another Black man and that alone was a strong article of truth we mutually had.  I wanted to introduce myself, ask his name and where he was from but nothing happened, nothing came.  I remained silent.  When the time came for him to get his food and use the carts available to wheel it to his vehicle, I opened the door for him and said “alright now,” but said nothing more. I told my father this and he told me of a time near Santa Cruz in an old restaurant with hicks, rednecks & other back-country folk when he noticed an older Black woman sitting by herself.  My father explained that he wanted to say something to her, to sit with her because he knew she wasn’t used to this. He felt her, he knew her, not personally but in a racially charged society, ethnic ties in understanding are as strong as, if not stronger than any steel cable supporting the George Washington or Golden Gate Bridge.

            So a question and commentary in poetic form that I leave us with has to do with “What do we do when our conscience calls?” I guess for myself, next time I’ll force myself to speak. By the way, I asked pops what he thought about the Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and he tells me he doesn’t plan on ever eating it again.

Calling Conscience, Calling Conscience…

Is anyone there… is there…

Anything more to give than a hello, silence of a blank stare?

What do we do when our conscience calls?

Fed to fulfillment we are like pigs in shady air conditioned slaughter houses

Awaiting the slaughter…hearing the squealing yet ignoring like it will never be us

Abandoned children misled to pimps & slave traders

Giving our very own souls

So that others may luxuriously live

Like some of my ancestors the Cherokee holding tight blankets with disease

Taught that grinding hard for the dollar is the American Way yet

Trying & fighting too hard for your beliefs might get you killed but see…

I wasn’t even a being into existence when puddles of the first blood spilled

Yet I see the madness, lack of unity & lack of interactions in the planned disaster

Of a very much-loved place, which we all call, home

Some chalk it up as the way of things the poor & rich but

From country to country coast-to-coast all we hear & see is the same sad song

The meek need power, the bible says in the end we will win

I believe the morally grounded as really being the strong… yet

The fortunate prey on others, our future at times seems dim

Don’t need to resurrect Marvin Gaye to see what’s goin on

I have heard the cries, stories, & seen the dead, poor and

Those that thought they were better off gone

Many crowded in houses sleeping on floors with nothing more than faith

When hustle was once their friend and success was a trusted neighbor

Who is to judge in sludge so thick that not even whales can swim?

Who can, who Dare laugh at the misfortunes of others?

When even lawyers, doctors, & Internet geniuses are caught surviving on whims

We can do like communities do & make due with what we have

Come together, share resources, hire friends, build businesses & create dividends

Cook together, grow our food, teach our own youth, and attend city meetings we can…

Stand together, talk, sing, cry, be a shoulder to cry on, pray together work…

On our differences yet praise our common struggles, interests & dreams we can…

Do anything…Alone we are a pillar

Together we can help build a foundation for growth, learning & Prosperity

When something is shared we usually either say “No thanks, I’m cool,” or

Are ever so open to receive

So thanks we give and some refuse to suffer

Having fear is not living

Surviving is fine but struggling is not living, just merely existing

Being confined in any way physically, emotionally, financially or spiritually blinds

I know many that lived their years just fine with little… but me

I want more for myself and all of my family & friends

I want to inspire Big Time, touching hearts & enlightening minds

Like diamonds that once poked everywhere out of African soils… rich

I hold dreams serious enough to pave the world over twice in gold so I must

Make it happen & Live, Focus Hustle & Give

I no longer can sit here… I have to Do Something!!! So…

I urge each & everyone to Do Something!!!   Anything to persuade a smile to grow or

Say something, lend a hand in some way, shape, manner, form, or action

Do any small thing, which would encourage another to stand tall

I want to make a difference yet still I wanna ball

What will you do when your conscience calls?

You don’t have to be 100% sane, rich, or completely okay to bring a little light into someone else’s day.

Beautiful Struggle

Ask this man what he has seen and where he's been
Ask him his purpose and the time that he's spent.

Today's blog is dedicated to us, to our hardships and all the beauty we can find within them. As I sometimes say "struggle & heart ache are eminent but pain although unplanned can be optional.
So to leave you with something, I challenge you to reach into your past, to look at all of the hard times & struggle, and pull the beauty that remained when the ground was left with broken glass, coagulated blood & rusted chains. Think of all of the times when love came through in the midst of despair. Life itself is fulled with beautiful struggles, life itself is a Beautiful Struggle.  I hope that I am blessed with the years of old age so that one day someone might ask me where I've been. But it's just not about living which depends, but the legacy left behind & how much love we decide to send. Enjoy

Devils sliver in dark light, constantly whispering sweet nothings with bitter tongues

Into the ears of the downtrodden as

Angels draw swords cutting lies & false truths to pieces while we

Struggle with hustle struggle in silence… struggle much with ourselves

We feel pain so naturally, so it's so hard to remember... to create good times

The abundance of pleasure some throw all responsibility aside to find

What comes easy for some we think as blessed

While we watch hundreds we know and strangers get left so far behind but…

I had to question myself before writing this and so argue I did

“How can a struggle be beautiful, Beautiful Struggle?... that’s Bullshit!”

Kept me silent from writing this poem, yes I must admit yet

One must not neglect the beauty found everywhere that through hardship does persist

The Love found in the damned of places that through all BS does very much exist

I’ve spoken before about the love heard in polyrhythmic beats in

The miracles found & love-filled events that transpire in the streets &

Beautiful things within doors things that make community worthwhile

While family gets too close for some

Things to remember welcomed for our hearts to endure

While others try to forget even themselves & life’s disadvantages trying to numb

We find middle ground somewhere between complete success & failure

As struggle becomes normal and progress, we learn can only be measured by us

Time and time again, while cursing ourselves, family & those that are used... for

Slandering, drama, fighting, backstabbing, conniving… used by forces many don’t know

Or admit the prescience of something greater or lesser that has always been old... we

Search for answers in books & in group meetings while those that fear circumstance

Gain something positive or negative within the will of control

Strengthening through beautiful storms us… we learn not to complain while

Negative forces coerce & distort...

The truth in everything including the time left to sort, so, we must be patient & diligent

Prayers soar like swift falcons challenging the opposition is destined for defeating

Because in life we win constantly yet in living it, there is no cheating

Lessons are learned in all days’ nights in all time given to us in some way so

How does a struggle become beautiful?

Through all the hardship, trial & pain nothing but love remains

In spontaneous BBQs, plates of soul food, ambrosia & potato salads... in

Smiles & interactions with much laughter

The Children

Beauty within man & woman, an embrace of thanks, hand shakes &

Holding an elder’s hand

Car washes, church cookouts to raise funds

Park & lake events, old songs church hymns

Love from someone I haven’t seen since...

Acknowledgment from or hookup from a friend we didn’t know had much clout

Dap, hug & uncontrollable smile from a family member or friend fresh out

A Beautiful Struggle is That Love that damn near extinguishes pain & greed

The type that flies wild on the wind like dandelion seeds

In each message, each smile, in each accomplishment they make that makes us also proud

In the ability for a man or woman to change for the greater good

In an older person’s ability to accept & learn more

In a young person’s ability to listen & learn from the wise

In you, in me, in everything that the Lord creates as good

Together in us is a Beautiful Struggle of how on each other we might depend... for

All of the time given, words spoken and all the love in-between that we send

Wishing we could leave yesterday’s & years stresses for new morning wake

Some give lovingly while others have grown so accustomed to take

Waiting the day where each plan meets success where

Each stress doesn’t hurt the heart like others we have once let in

Left with a bright world void of obstacles with endlessness till death I can explore...beautifully

When I spread seeds of hope with examples of my own & my family struggles no more

Beautiful Struggle

6-21-2011

Beautiful Storm

 I believe it has been about once or twice i
Was given a chance to witness with these two eyes
Tall cumulus clouds encircling while in-between
Fits of lightning lit up those tumultuous skies as
Lovers embrace as a man of passion looks like he’s
Hungry for something engulfs those voluptuous thighs
Love lives void of lies, gives unconditionally to us
For without human passion God is still Love…although
I’ve heard the heart beating, pausing often too slow
When the wind hounds wild & ground looked too cracked
Much too dry for the chance of  Love to grow
Then through dark clouds we saw hope
Big pollowy clouds and the sun came shining through
We hoped and prayed it would rain but only escaped
Were sadly drops few
Then the rain stopped completely
As loud electrical storms loomed all around us
Selfishly withholding any wet hope
We wished with wings we could fly up there
To squeeze the life out of those clouds to
Kiss those lips that maybe weren’t ours for
To simply watch others churning much too much did hurt
Giving ourselves for simple interactive passes with another human touch
Then the smell came
Thinking the clouds were bad omens following like negativity
An electric charge shot burning through us upon first entry
As the dirt welcomed more than ashes and dust
The storm came unexpected in a timing all new to us for
Some seek shelter and hide from but others dance in it
Like children in rain understanding much more than we give credit for
That moving on is much better in any weather
Than remaining stagnant sulking in once was sweet
But now turned bitter impatient drenched in pain
When the rains cleanse and storms stir up everything
Everything that the generations of tomorrow depend
Love, hope, promise, ability to cope (in a healthy way)
Honor, integrity, health, longevity, substance, passion, patience,
Prosperity, purpose, self-love YES & Self-worth not forgetting to show
Respect & Understanding, compassion and careful planning for tomorrow
Helping us to accept and enjoy now
Through Love, in Love, Giving and showing how to Love
The right ways and paths we experience and know
Trying to hold on feeling that like life & death this too shall pass
But a seed always remains with everything else lingering around & within us
Surging through us is life as sweet waters rise with tides
As I just walked outside hearing the wind rush I stood in it as
It gently spanked the leaves with love taps I remembered Trust
Urging others no to be so cautious with rose’s thorn that…
There lives truth in hiding behind lover’s scorn that-
Miracles stand as enough worth with a new life born
Inviting all to partake & patiently wait
For their Beautiful Storm

Fallen Stars

 
This post I placed before another but it has been long overdue. There has been the constant question of why do the good die young?  I can't answer that question if I tried but can't fail to notice all of the Black artists that have passed, young, old...all greatly gifted. Some have died in tragic ways HIV, murder, drug overdose, heart disease, failed kidneys and more. Some in ways that I feel under the right conditions could have been prevented... but that's a whole other topic within itself for us to explore. Each individual has left a place in someones heart and each have family and friends that love and miss them. If nothing, many artist have and continue to leave hope-filled messages through their music, prescience, experiences and art. This is an ode of some sort to some of our fallen stars.


Musical notes from folks we hold dear and close
Knock the blazes out of the heavens in meteorites sailing through skies
Burning rings through clouds of a darkened hue and
Dissipating mists that cloud judgment and oppress free minds
Lighting up sky alerting everyone yet altering nothing but history
As truths melt lies in poetic song, dance and performance
For they were chosen to uplift spirits of all that notice
Exposing the innermost part of our hearts and igniting our souls reminding
That time has come to listen and learn once again
Like children around fires listening to stories told by the wise
So the ones that know share, daring to give souls a chance
That from what they feel within to act just might change focus
From what we were first led to believe… there are
Stars blazing, red giants to almost dead dwindling to dwarf ones
Spreading light throughout the universe and blessing the promising one we know as ours
Sending hopes, dreams and awaiting miracles in another blessed day
Through speech and teaching song keeping us thankful that way
Memories from performances, words & melodies
Soaked & saturating ever so deeply into our beating bleeding hearts
Rarely counted and sometimes although rarely discounted are our artists
Transcending all lines including this swift gift of time
Our lyrical creators, dancers, spirit shakers, chance takers and love makers
From our J-Dillas to Jam Master J, Half A Mil, Bernie Mac, Biggie Smalls, to
Rene Diggs, Aliyah and her angelic voice & Jimmi Hendrix and his speaking guitar
There are so many of our fallen stars
From Oscar Bobo Brown to Marvin Gaye reminding us to question what’s going on, James Brown taught us to Get on down to get up “HAAAY!!”
Michael Jackson setting trends and sending love, Brandon Mitchell & DJ Buggs
Lovely Lisa Left Eye to Unique ODB, Mousberg, Lil Ruckie, Huddy and Mr. C
Ellington “The Duke” a man like no other, Big Hawk, Charisma, Proof & DJ Screw
Lady Day to Moms Mabley reminding that we’ve only got two nerves and that there is humor in matrimony, Jackie Neal, Shirley Hemphill, Edmond Sylvers, Damien Dame, Dino Connor, Roger Troutman ahead of his time with computer love, Lynn Collins, Loyd Richards, Young Fool, DJ Train, Doc Doom, Scott La Rock, MC Breed keeping us “to the beat y’all,” Orish Grinstead, Apache, Billboard, Brandon Mitchel, Dolla, Father Lord, Miriam Makeba, Ray Charles only you can do it for some, Kid Hood, MC Trouble, Shakir Stewart, Lou Rawls, Big Moe, Fat Pat, Big Mellow, Yusef Afloat, Yaki Kadafi, Stretch, Subroc, Too Poetic, Static Major, Sean Taylor, Jack Johnson, Joe Lewis, M Bone
Tupac Shakur…Tupac Shakur…2Pac, Brotha Izz…Broda Izz,   D’Angelo Wilson, Miles Davis… Miles Davis…Miles, Curtis Mayfield…thank you…Curtis Mayfield, Coug Nut
Stack Bundles, X1, Darrent Williams, DJ Buggs, Ron O’Neal, Big Pun, Artimus Bentley
Merlin Santana, Frankie Lymon, Katoucha Niane, Guru, Cowboy, Pimp C, Nina Simone… Nina Simone… Nina Simone… Nina, Easy E, Isaac Hayes La La Brown,
Mac Dre, Katherine Dunham there will never be another, Harold Melvin, Lynn Thigpen
Thelonius Monk… Thelonius, Sarah Vahn you still got it goin on, Nat King Cole…
Nat King Cole, Sekou Sundiata set the bar for me, Eddie & Sean Levert, Fela Kuti…Fela Kuti…Fela, Dennis Brown you’ve taught me so much, Bob Marley let us, Gave us, reminded us all to stand up for our rights and that we could be loved, Gill Scott-Heron... Today you left us... A soldier of truth among many, your words of truth will continue to bless us, Big L a heck of an MC, Dino Connor, Dorthy Dandridge you still do it for me, Peter Tosh taught me to be a soldier, Lucky Dube, Trevor Bebick, Donny Hathaway… Mr. Donny Hathaway if I could only play like you, reach people like you and speak for many I would my brother, Ella Fitzgerald YOU are the Queen in my book and Nina is your predecessor, Sugar Ray Robinson keeps knockin em out, and...
Without a doubt Eartha Kit has seduced the minds of many as well as touched hearts with her truth.
Who would dare tangle a tango of dispute refuting facts in acts accomplished as movers
True earth-movers and ground shakers splintering stages as our beloved fallen stars?

Fallen Stars
5-27-2011

Today, Yesterday, and Tomorrow

There is so much going on today. Happenings, instances, and events in our own lives, with our families, within our communites, behind walls, lack of unity with the world but explosive interaction in our online social networks, enviroment EARTH, country, our children and right beyond our very own doorstep, there is so much going on.

What's going on with us, with society? What battles are within us that prevent us from caring what happens on a massive scale? Like Marvin Gaye said "What's goin on?"  We all hold the power to change what we don't like around us, it's impossible to change others but influence is as powerful as group thinking and herd mentality is dangerous. I'll be addressing this on Monday. For now Let me leave you with a poem.  Have a great, fun & peace-filled weekend family and friends. Passion, Purpose, Patience, Progress, Persistence Prosperity & Inner-Peace.

Sincerely Yours,

Sekou M. Black

Blood speaks loudly as it falls to spilling slow, then

Silently still, it cracks as it settles on gravel

Asphalt, trestles of cold chills where

Everywhere is the wrong side of the tracks

Our will… is not any different than the animals

In our inherent ways we change the instinct within us

From feeling and preconceiving greatness to reckless destruction

Escaping truth, leaving love desolate and justice tossed around & displaced

Like trailer-parks in tornadic winds and carefully placed bricks that cause us to question

Our very own creator’s will, mercy and grace

As floods sweep lands raped by genetically modified corn & soy for man

A boy sits on porch steps watching dark clouds circle and collect

Patient he waits

For winds to howl lightning to scowl illuminating the darkness with each burning strike

He does nothing but be

Why is it so hard for us to just be?

But if it is greed or power, showers of deceit and

Cowards that lie steal & cheat with ease, how come?

We ask

How Come, how has it come to be these truths that fall like hot blood from skies?

Where are the promising seeds of hope and cool breezes of change?

It has been a struggle of promise(s) we must bring through promised struggles

These days repeating like past with caution choose we,

When we were supposedly chosen to…

When we should all be concerned about us

Should we?

Violent pen strokes between these pages, loose leaf and

Fingers grow tired & wrists hurt from typing for them

But not me

Although I might have to although

I love to live

For I know in my heart and everything

That the world is much more simpler than we contort it to be

As strange dust settles on windowsills from silt we create

Products we praise & get so caught up in material ways

Waging war on ourselves time and time again

From Desert scar to rain forest stripped and left polluted… tar

Babies cry wishing they were born in a different time frame

As the picture grows grim around us the light dims and spotlights send rays

Instead of the sun

With flack jackets stun guns gas cannons and pepper spray

We misbehave

As Earth rights the wrongs

We selfishly misbehave ensnaring others like high mortgage rates

When we ourselves are the slaves

Admitting to nothing

Benefiting nothing that is real yet

Trying to… claiming to own and know everything

Preparing

For nothing

For we are only as constant as the rising seas & as life altering as disease

There is so much that sees us although

We haven’t seen much or have even touched

Ideas like inventions that now prove magic real

Through all madness and tragic happenings there is us

Nature

Strangers and trust

Love dangerous us so ultimately

There is no song that separates us

No Separate Song

5-13-2011

Healing When Broken

   

Sadness flies on the wings of the morning and out of the heart of darkness comes the light. ~Jean Giraudoux

The other morning I awoke from a very troubling dream. You know, those ones that leave you feeing sad for a while after wards. The residue of emotion left was serious. In my dream, I was showering in my childhood home in East Palo Alto and my ex walked in telling me that she was leaving me. For some reason I felt so troubled, especially after she told me that her bags were packed and that she was leaving to the airport soon. It was as if we were supposed to go on a trip together but she decided to up and leave on me, to vamp, to bounce like a super bouncy ball we uses to always end up loosing as a child. I remember quickly getting dressed and asking her why, feeling helpless, when in reality it was I that ended the relationship. In the dream I kept saying to myself “she has a man, I shouldn’t trip, she has a man,” consciously equating while dreaming that there was no reason I should really feel that sad. Something was obviously up. I even cried twice in the dream. Damn!

This led me to question afterwards, why I had this dream of her leaving and wondering if I had truly healed from the aftermath of this love turned sour. Was this dream an episode for something I was too young to feel as a child?

After I broke up with my ex I noticed some change in the way she treated me and wanted her back. Perhaps it was to keep the family together, although I knew deep inside that I deserved better, or kept telling myself that. I broke the relationship off in July of last year and two days after we got back to the Bay, she left to go see an ex-boyfriend, (just a friend) “Oh baby Youuuu…. You’ve got what I nee-eeeeeed.” (in my Bizmarkie voice) The rest is history or as we used to say when I was a teen, It was Cleats! This happened once more when she almost…almost wanted me back, only to go back to another man that could offer her more than a family man could. Damn!! Most say easing the heart with another is a good way to do it, but I was in no position, transportation wise, or emotionally to deal with other women…I admit that I was in pretty bad shape.

My mother also left my father when I was 4 ½ years old and moved to LA with an old boyfriend. I was too young to know what was going on, but can clearly remember my brother crying, as my parents argued in that kitchen at 2564 Illinois St. and me wanting to cry because I felt as if I should also. I was never able to cry for that swift departure of love from my life, but the remnants of a broken heart haunted me and caused problems for me for many years afterwards in my youth. Have I not recovered from these episodes in my long and not so distant past? What can we do to heal a broken heart, when after forgiveness, we still hold on to some hurt although we hoped, prayed, and thought we were past this pain? Folks I know would simply tell me to man up and get over it but pain is real... and love heals.

I’ve been told that time heals all things, but know that if we don’t work on what’s bothering us that it can eat up our insides like a parasite and turn a once warm heart bitter with coldness, resentment and unresolved pain. How do we heal completely? Well I did a bit of reading on the subject of a broken heart and this is a snippet of what I found.

Accectance and Embracing the Pain vs- Escaping:

My Grandpa John was a great man and used to tell us many things one of which was that music is the perfect medicine, which it often is, but music can be at times, an escape. The words from countless songs relay exactly how we feel at the right moment, as Sade with “Soldier of Love,” helped me, but I’ve read that we shouldn’t escape from the pain, that we should accept it, embrace it, until it fully passes (Susan Conway). Personally, this approach helped for me, this and forgiveness.

I can remember calling my mother after a conversation with my father, when he told me a side of the story that I never heard before. I really wanted to know what would possess a person (a woman, mother) to leave those she most cherished and loved. I can recall calling her, asking her bawling my eyes out “why did you leave us,” with every answer and reason she’d try to relay to me I’d cry “but why did you leave us?” No answer provided was good enough, yet understood that she did what she felt she had to do? Gaining freedom from the pain is also possible as we embrace it and let it wash over and past us (Foundation for Well Being), like the surf at the beach, washing away written words in the sand.

Blaming:

It’s often too easy to pawn off our baggage onto others with blaming and playing the victim role but by doing this realize that you we are doing nothing other than holding on to the right to be angry at the person. The feeling of betrayal is common, as we trusted others with us, often sharing with another an intimate part of ourselves usually closed off to the rest. It ain’t cool to be bitter and walk through life with that burden of “they did it to me so I don’t have to forgive them for SH**!!" From what I personally know holding on to that energy does nothing for the spirit and the soul.

Cultural Stigmas and Expectations:

Sometimes we are fed through others, usually family or environment that emotions are a sign of weakness and I even heard a young, respected spoken word artist in Oakland say “A man that can’t control his emotions is a BITCH!” but I know better. It’s okay to feel pain, to reflect, to think, and to cry, c’mon now, we’re only human and human beings have emotions, we are not robots, although some think it would be better if we were. This veil of weakness & dangers associated with putting up a holographic wall of sorts can lead to other issues later on such as emotional problems and the ability to hold onto a steady, healthy relationship. Sometimes I think it best for us to step outside of our cultural perspectives. By doing this we gain a more profound, healthy outlook on how we see ourselves, the world, and others we come into contact with on a daily basis. I think the question of Identity and “Who am I,” is an important thing to revisit as well.

Forgiveness:

“Lawd Knows, that it ain’t easy for me to forgive.” Easier said than done right? I know! From what I personally have experienced and from what I’ve read on this internet thingie, there is power in forgiveness. First and foremost, the person that benefits most from forgiving is us! This is a decision that we make ourselves, for ourselves, and only benefits others through our interactions with them. When I used to see a woman I’d deem bitter, I’d say my self, as I’ve heard others “she just needs some SEX (not in those words)! That’s all.” LOL but now understand that there are many factors that influence a person’s attitude. I’ll leave the subject of attitude to later post. We often tell ourselves that “I’m not ready forgive, they don’t get ___ from me, they don’t deserve my forgiveness,” but don’t we deserve to be happier? “Who said I wasn’t happy,” hey, I’m just sayin, sometimes we think we’ve moved on but somewhere within us hides that pain, like hot magma under the earth, ready to erupt under the right pressure, causing earthquakes, outbursts and more. There is a sort of cause and effect relationship with forgiving. No matter what your religious belief or spiritual outlook is, by forgiving, we too can be forgiven and even self-forgiveness has a part to play. By forgiving we stop the cycle of blaming, judging, and condemning others as well as ourselves. I am no expert by any means. These are just my thoughts on the matter.

I should also dive into the subject of self hatred, for some often feel as if they don’t deserve to love, I’m not this or that, not good enough, so this is why this happened to me. First off, there are more things out there in society and the world that aren’t as together as you are. Secondly, no one is perfect. Third, it is no ones fault that gets hurt, it’s inevitable, unavoidable. As long as we breath, we will hurt sometime, yet we have so more of a change to love others and be loved. Love has no boundaries, borders or limits. Our media and the way society is constructed preys on our insecurities of “I’m not pretty, handsome, strong, skinny, wealthy, or good enough for…” Turn off that TV, look around you and know that the gift of life alone is more than a chance than other’s even have! We should all be thankful. It’s better to be thankful than ungreatful anyway isn’t it? The ability to wake up, learn, eat, breathe freely, say what we want, and experience all the good bad, ugly, funky, and funny are luxuries other’s would kill, or come back to life to have.

This is most of everything I have to say. There are probably more than a thousand and one ways to heal a broken heart and to heal wounds but these are a few that I thought might be helpful. In the comedic words of my online friend Lia Moni Malo- “I’m just sayin.” I’ll leave you all with a poem I wrote early this morning and a bunch I wrote earlier.  Have an awesome weekend y’all and to my Amazing Mothers… Happy Mother’s Day!!!

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.  ~Author Unknown

Remnants of a Broken Heart
5-6-2011

Picture a child taken off of a horse and carefully placed on a desert beach
With ocean to their left and endless sand dunes to their right
Watching their parent ride off with speed kicking up sand
As the young one attempts to catch up screaming “Momma” or “Poppa” or
A car door opening as a kid is put out of a car in downtown traffic in a big city
Such as Chicago, San Francisco or New York City
Focus out of it as much as they are as cars, people and objects fill the space
Of the view they once had of someone they depended on

I remember what a child feels like to be abandoned
That sick to stomach feeling when your world momentarily crashes
For some it slowly crumbles for years like ancient monuments
Torn down with fierce winds and constant torrential downpours
Eating away at our hearts year after year like acid rain to cement, granite and rock
Wounding us until
Some can no longer hold care to shed a tear
It’s going to take a splash of effort
To convey to you all my biggest fear
Of being left completely alone
With no body to hold,
Left unwanted, Isolated and mind blown heart obliterated
Literally thrown away
Without a soul to console
Finding nothing, searching for justification for such action enacted selfish
Watching a life turn from something of love, substance and nourishment to
Worthless, wretched, discarded, shamed, unwanted…Wronged
Like a baby antelope left in the savannah amongst hungry lions and hyenas
Without control,
Powerless and defenseless
Void of anything close to hope
Rendered helpless by self as we begin to feel guilt and sorry for ourselves
Especially at that moment yet
Some repeat that pattern of here now then retreat
As some were much too young to remember the day the coward walked, drove, or rode
Although many have reason for what and why they did as they escaped
Out of our lives like a loved one dying, at least it felt that bad
At the moment but
With time we have realized that there is no better testament of triumph than us
No standing strong pillar and pinnacle of success than-
Those themselves that truly know pain similar in any way to my pain-filled description
That read and fully understands this text
But it doesn’t have to be a parent or family member that vacated our being
Could as easily been one that failed an understanding, mistake made by blind us or
One that chose it was easier to live life as they saw fit that
They were better off for them or for us… trying to love us less
Expected to just move on when the plan we were led to believe somehow de-railed
Leaving an empty hole of a room inside our hearts and us
Weary of any thing new or good or too good to be true
Skeptical when it came to anything close to the existence of Love or
The valued substance of a virtue known as Trust but
How do we reconcile these losses
Break the patterns of I should have done or said
Heal from these episodes of “Damn… this is my life” or
As least part of one that we sometimes try hard to forget
When someone that swore to love us looses something themselves?
Perhaps it was an instinct, will to try harder or
Patience, reminded that life can always be easier

I don’t claim to know the answer
For I can only express how it feels and give examples of what I won’t do
But we have all learned one way or miracle within another that
We Are Loved
Thought about
Dreamed about
Emailed
Text messaged
Collect called and
Called upon
To do more than others had the courage or strength to do
When the lies, storms and flooding waters came upon them
But you know, when we thought we were weakened from those experiences
We were just as strong then
When the dark was rising like deadly gaseous clouds that sometimes settle
Angel’s wings were folding to cover us
Protecting us from everything else that tries to take advantage of a hurt spirit and
A very much scarred and broken heart
So here’s my part to say that there must be a God for us to be sitting here
Reading this
That above all circumstances that won’t allow trust I know when folks are genuine
That you alone are enough to give me hope that I can love again, trust again, and feel new
Renewed by faith and hope in all my folks so there remains one last task that I must do
It is to tell you magic happens within the gift of forgiveness
Weight lifted like a thousand centuries of burdens and curses sworn to be true
With all that is failed to be discussed and emotions scared to be shown
I must tell you from the bottom of my being
With everything The Creator has placed within me too…to
Tell you, you, you and all of you…
That I love you, I love you… I.. Love You…
I have no intention of ever leaving you except when it’s my time
And I’m not playin


Graveyard of Broken Hearts
11/23/08

There's a sad sad place
Filled with lost hopes
Dreams
Passions
Precious time spent
And the flowers that grow are ugly
So ugly with the showers of defeat

This place is the graveyard of broken hearts

Where some give up their souls glow and go
Where some hide and wish to be buried
With yesterdays worries
With loves and troubles of yesteryear
Hoping to grow cold
With the continuous subzero breeze
Trying to block out the much needed
And wanted sunshine which all
Regardless of situation
And seasonal isolation
Very much need
I've planted a seed in this dark dark place
Lets see if it'll gain the chance to grow
A condition founded in
Found genuine Love and Appreciation
When Agitation and Disappointed Expectation
Is all that one knows.
Lets see how many we can pull away
Persuade and not permit to venture
Into this pitiful graveyard of broken hearts

Air Conditioned Unconditioning

7/18/07

Institutions are built for reasons
For purposes that serve our nation
Institutions of metal detectors
Plexiglas, bars, jail cells and guards
Institutions of fail or pass, yards of
DNA samples, stretched skin cells and cell phone bars
Teaching us conditioning us
Leading us toward a goal
Common to the greater good
Beating us until the message is properly relayed
And our small place is understood
How many leaders are made here?
How many remain that were able
To unravel what was untaught?
How many can see through walls, Walk differently
Perpendicular to the broadcasted thought?
Carefully conditioned us
Crafted carefully to create for them
Institutions of mental slavery
Start inside of their walls
Then for us repeats within

Street Music
10/31/07

My mind ain’t playin tricks on me… aw damn homie.
I do my dirt all by my lonely,
This is for my dead homie
This all comes from the same source, by itself,
No vocal representation is needed,
Only screeches of tires,
Whip sounds of shoestrings wrapping around telephone wires
The nerve one would have to judge as insufficient in terms of
Tempos, rhythms and melodies,
In fear they would perspire
To strand alone some transpire to achieve-an-understanding-is-heard
In all types in any kind of hour.
Ringing sounds of the polluting factories horns for lunch, &
Ending of casual protested disturbances
Choir calls, Catholic Church bells
Lullaby from a near by passing ice cream truck
Mockingbirds observing the confusion join along in unison,
Daily patterns, interactions & such.
The sounds & songs of children at play,
Hand games, playing the dozens, double Dutch
Melodies sung rhythmically,
Changing from generation to the next,
Adding validity to the life of the moment relative to the voice singing &
Hands clapping in their context.
A classic car passes by holding four 15 inch speakers in the trunk,
Rattling windows, vibrating the nature surrounding the spectacle
As it magnificently possesses
The girls playing stop their songs of jump and joy, strike attitude immediately sing along
I even hear the drum from these streets in these… lonely only me walking down
These Streets
It surrounds me & forces, coerces my heart to beat differently than it does alone
This music, Street Music,
Improvised organized for soulful understandings of everyday life,
Not orchestrated one beat sheet music, for a conductor could no way do it,
Replicate the spontaneous pace of what happens immediately, right in your face.
Sound of the gunshot reggae bumbaclot beating causing your hips to sway or
Dangerous ricochet from another bullet missing it’s target becoming dangerously stray,
Like a misled child or baby later plagued by his fatherless misdirection,
Across drives on his lap a 380 sits strapped with extra clips with bulletproof vest
Across his chest for protection,
In the streets he might defeat himself at least he gains sought affection
Engulfed in the moments and street music.