Sadness flies on the wings of the morning and out of the heart of darkness comes the light. ~Jean Giraudoux
The other morning I awoke from a very troubling dream. You know, those ones that leave you feeing sad for a while after wards. The residue of emotion left was serious. In my dream, I was showering in my childhood home in East Palo Alto and my ex walked in telling me that she was leaving me. For some reason I felt so troubled, especially after she told me that her bags were packed and that she was leaving to the airport soon. It was as if we were supposed to go on a trip together but she decided to up and leave on me, to vamp, to bounce like a super bouncy ball we uses to always end up loosing as a child. I remember quickly getting dressed and asking her why, feeling helpless, when in reality it was I that ended the relationship. In the dream I kept saying to myself “she has a man, I shouldn’t trip, she has a man,” consciously equating while dreaming that there was no reason I should really feel that sad. Something was obviously up. I even cried twice in the dream. Damn!
This led me to question afterwards, why I had this dream of her leaving and wondering if I had truly healed from the aftermath of this love turned sour. Was this dream an episode for something I was too young to feel as a child?
After I broke up with my ex I noticed some change in the way she treated me and wanted her back. Perhaps it was to keep the family together, although I knew deep inside that I deserved better, or kept telling myself that. I broke the relationship off in July of last year and two days after we got back to the Bay, she left to go see an ex-boyfriend, (just a friend) “Oh baby Youuuu…. You’ve got what I nee-eeeeeed.” (in my Bizmarkie voice) The rest is history or as we used to say when I was a teen, It was Cleats! This happened once more when she almost…almost wanted me back, only to go back to another man that could offer her more than a family man could. Damn!! Most say easing the heart with another is a good way to do it, but I was in no position, transportation wise, or emotionally to deal with other women…I admit that I was in pretty bad shape.
My mother also left my father when I was 4 ½ years old and moved to LA with an old boyfriend. I was too young to know what was going on, but can clearly remember my brother crying, as my parents argued in that kitchen at 2564 Illinois St. and me wanting to cry because I felt as if I should also. I was never able to cry for that swift departure of love from my life, but the remnants of a broken heart haunted me and caused problems for me for many years afterwards in my youth. Have I not recovered from these episodes in my long and not so distant past? What can we do to heal a broken heart, when after forgiveness, we still hold on to some hurt although we hoped, prayed, and thought we were past this pain? Folks I know would simply tell me to man up and get over it but pain is real... and love heals.
I’ve been told that time heals all things, but know that if we don’t work on what’s bothering us that it can eat up our insides like a parasite and turn a once warm heart bitter with coldness, resentment and unresolved pain. How do we heal completely? Well I did a bit of reading on the subject of a broken heart and this is a snippet of what I found.
Accectance and Embracing the Pain vs- Escaping:
My Grandpa John was a great man and used to tell us many things one of which was that music is the perfect medicine, which it often is, but music can be at times, an escape. The words from countless songs relay exactly how we feel at the right moment, as Sade with “Soldier of Love,” helped me, but I’ve read that we shouldn’t escape from the pain, that we should accept it, embrace it, until it fully passes (Susan Conway). Personally, this approach helped for me, this and forgiveness.
I can remember calling my mother after a conversation with my father, when he told me a side of the story that I never heard before. I really wanted to know what would possess a person (a woman, mother) to leave those she most cherished and loved. I can recall calling her, asking her bawling my eyes out “why did you leave us,” with every answer and reason she’d try to relay to me I’d cry “but why did you leave us?” No answer provided was good enough, yet understood that she did what she felt she had to do? Gaining freedom from the pain is also possible as we embrace it and let it wash over and past us (Foundation for Well Being), like the surf at the beach, washing away written words in the sand.
Blaming:
It’s often too easy to pawn off our baggage onto others with blaming and playing the victim role but by doing this realize that you we are doing nothing other than holding on to the right to be angry at the person. The feeling of betrayal is common, as we trusted others with us, often sharing with another an intimate part of ourselves usually closed off to the rest. It ain’t cool to be bitter and walk through life with that burden of “they did it to me so I don’t have to forgive them for SH**!!" From what I personally know holding on to that energy does nothing for the spirit and the soul.
Cultural Stigmas and Expectations:
Sometimes we are fed through others, usually family or environment that emotions are a sign of weakness and I even heard a young, respected spoken word artist in Oakland say “A man that can’t control his emotions is a BITCH!” but I know better. It’s okay to feel pain, to reflect, to think, and to cry, c’mon now, we’re only human and human beings have emotions, we are not robots, although some think it would be better if we were. This veil of weakness & dangers associated with putting up a holographic wall of sorts can lead to other issues later on such as emotional problems and the ability to hold onto a steady, healthy relationship. Sometimes I think it best for us to step outside of our cultural perspectives. By doing this we gain a more profound, healthy outlook on how we see ourselves, the world, and others we come into contact with on a daily basis. I think the question of Identity and “Who am I,” is an important thing to revisit as well.
Forgiveness:
“Lawd Knows, that it ain’t easy for me to forgive.” Easier said than done right? I know! From what I personally have experienced and from what I’ve read on this internet thingie, there is power in forgiveness. First and foremost, the person that benefits most from forgiving is us! This is a decision that we make ourselves, for ourselves, and only benefits others through our interactions with them. When I used to see a woman I’d deem bitter, I’d say my self, as I’ve heard others “she just needs some SEX (not in those words)! That’s all.” LOL but now understand that there are many factors that influence a person’s attitude. I’ll leave the subject of attitude to later post. We often tell ourselves that “I’m not ready forgive, they don’t get ___ from me, they don’t deserve my forgiveness,” but don’t we deserve to be happier? “Who said I wasn’t happy,” hey, I’m just sayin, sometimes we think we’ve moved on but somewhere within us hides that pain, like hot magma under the earth, ready to erupt under the right pressure, causing earthquakes, outbursts and more. There is a sort of cause and effect relationship with forgiving. No matter what your religious belief or spiritual outlook is, by forgiving, we too can be forgiven and even self-forgiveness has a part to play. By forgiving we stop the cycle of blaming, judging, and condemning others as well as ourselves. I am no expert by any means. These are just my thoughts on the matter.
I should also dive into the subject of self hatred, for some often feel as if they don’t deserve to love, I’m not this or that, not good enough, so this is why this happened to me. First off, there are more things out there in society and the world that aren’t as together as you are. Secondly, no one is perfect. Third, it is no ones fault that gets hurt, it’s inevitable, unavoidable. As long as we breath, we will hurt sometime, yet we have so more of a change to love others and be loved. Love has no boundaries, borders or limits. Our media and the way society is constructed preys on our insecurities of “I’m not pretty, handsome, strong, skinny, wealthy, or good enough for…” Turn off that TV, look around you and know that the gift of life alone is more than a chance than other’s even have! We should all be thankful. It’s better to be thankful than ungreatful anyway isn’t it? The ability to wake up, learn, eat, breathe freely, say what we want, and experience all the good bad, ugly, funky, and funny are luxuries other’s would kill, or come back to life to have.
This is most of everything I have to say. There are probably more than a thousand and one ways to heal a broken heart and to heal wounds but these are a few that I thought might be helpful. In the comedic words of my online friend Lia Moni Malo- “I’m just sayin.” I’ll leave you all with a poem I wrote early this morning and a bunch I wrote earlier. Have an awesome weekend y’all and to my Amazing Mothers… Happy Mother’s Day!!!
When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~Author Unknown
Remnants of a Broken Heart
5-6-2011
Picture a child taken off of a horse and carefully placed on a desert beach
With ocean to their left and endless sand dunes to their right
Watching their parent ride off with speed kicking up sand
As the young one attempts to catch up screaming “Momma” or “Poppa” or
A car door opening as a kid is put out of a car in downtown traffic in a big city
Such as Chicago, San Francisco or New York City
Focus out of it as much as they are as cars, people and objects fill the space
Of the view they once had of someone they depended on
I remember what a child feels like to be abandoned
That sick to stomach feeling when your world momentarily crashes
For some it slowly crumbles for years like ancient monuments
Torn down with fierce winds and constant torrential downpours
Eating away at our hearts year after year like acid rain to cement, granite and rock
Wounding us until
Some can no longer hold care to shed a tear
It’s going to take a splash of effort
To convey to you all my biggest fear
Of being left completely alone
With no body to hold,
Left unwanted, Isolated and mind blown heart obliterated
Literally thrown away
Without a soul to console
Finding nothing, searching for justification for such action enacted selfish
Watching a life turn from something of love, substance and nourishment to
Worthless, wretched, discarded, shamed, unwanted…Wronged
Like a baby antelope left in the savannah amongst hungry lions and hyenas
Without control,
Powerless and defenseless
Void of anything close to hope
Rendered helpless by self as we begin to feel guilt and sorry for ourselves
Especially at that moment yet
Some repeat that pattern of here now then retreat
As some were much too young to remember the day the coward walked, drove, or rode
Although many have reason for what and why they did as they escaped
Out of our lives like a loved one dying, at least it felt that bad
At the moment but
With time we have realized that there is no better testament of triumph than us
No standing strong pillar and pinnacle of success than-
Those themselves that truly know pain similar in any way to my pain-filled description
That read and fully understands this text
But it doesn’t have to be a parent or family member that vacated our being
Could as easily been one that failed an understanding, mistake made by blind us or
One that chose it was easier to live life as they saw fit that
They were better off for them or for us… trying to love us less
Expected to just move on when the plan we were led to believe somehow de-railed
Leaving an empty hole of a room inside our hearts and us
Weary of any thing new or good or too good to be true
Skeptical when it came to anything close to the existence of Love or
The valued substance of a virtue known as Trust but
How do we reconcile these losses
Break the patterns of I should have done or said
Heal from these episodes of “Damn… this is my life” or
As least part of one that we sometimes try hard to forget
When someone that swore to love us looses something themselves?
Perhaps it was an instinct, will to try harder or
Patience, reminded that life can always be easier
I don’t claim to know the answer
For I can only express how it feels and give examples of what I won’t do
But we have all learned one way or miracle within another that
We Are Loved
Thought about
Dreamed about
Emailed
Text messaged
Collect called and
Called upon
To do more than others had the courage or strength to do
When the lies, storms and flooding waters came upon them
But you know, when we thought we were weakened from those experiences
We were just as strong then
When the dark was rising like deadly gaseous clouds that sometimes settle
Angel’s wings were folding to cover us
Protecting us from everything else that tries to take advantage of a hurt spirit and
A very much scarred and broken heart
So here’s my part to say that there must be a God for us to be sitting here
Reading this
That above all circumstances that won’t allow trust I know when folks are genuine
That you alone are enough to give me hope that I can love again, trust again, and feel new
Renewed by faith and hope in all my folks so there remains one last task that I must do
It is to tell you magic happens within the gift of forgiveness
Weight lifted like a thousand centuries of burdens and curses sworn to be true
With all that is failed to be discussed and emotions scared to be shown
I must tell you from the bottom of my being
With everything The Creator has placed within me too…to
Tell you, you, you and all of you…
That I love you, I love you… I.. Love You…
I have no intention of ever leaving you except when it’s my time
And I’m not playin
Graveyard of Broken Hearts
11/23/08
There's a sad sad place
Filled with lost hopes
Dreams
Passions
Precious time spent
And the flowers that grow are ugly
So ugly with the showers of defeat
This place is the graveyard of broken hearts
Where some give up their souls glow and go
Where some hide and wish to be buried
With yesterdays worries
With loves and troubles of yesteryear
Hoping to grow cold
With the continuous subzero breeze
Trying to block out the much needed
And wanted sunshine which all
Regardless of situation
And seasonal isolation
Very much need
I've planted a seed in this dark dark place
Lets see if it'll gain the chance to grow
A condition founded in
Found genuine Love and Appreciation
When Agitation and Disappointed Expectation
Is all that one knows.
Lets see how many we can pull away
Persuade and not permit to venture
Into this pitiful graveyard of broken hearts
