It is rare that I dedicate poems or writings to myself. It is time for me to rewind, reflect, act now, so that I may unwind and create a bright future that may wait.
This particular blog post has erupted from many experiences and due to an array of common human life circumstances. Many whom I know are going through divorces, relationship changes, life changes, career changes, self realizations, issues with one’s life path, or path we have taken and close encounters with new life and the reality of death, whether it be directly or personally affected by a loved one no longer around in body. One common thread in these conversations is heartbreak, psychological abuse, neglect, being taking for granted, Self Consciousness, and expectations brought about by family as well as self.
As I compile my thoughts like a zip file in a computer crunching information, things my close friends have shared with me all follow similar patterns. First I thought it was age, as it very well might be, however, I am beginning to wonder if the problems many (including me) are facing in their lives from financial to familial have any thing to do about how we see ourselves and how we deal with our Self. You see… this question of the Self was something that was addressed in an Intro to Philosophy course I once took. It led me to realizations and questions that seemed to stem from the very place societies are grown from: Values and Virtues, most often shared in close-knit communities, but one thing is for certain, we are all growing wiser, learning, and living. When we are stagnant and do nothing to enrich our lives, our minds of the lives of others, then that’s being dead, I prefer to be happy & live, but yeah I know… easier said than done.
An Opportunity
Two weeks ago I was granted an opportunity to attend a family reunion, something that I have always wanted to do since I barely know anyone from my father’s side of the family. On this journey to get to know my family I gained a chance to look at who I am and discovered that I am still depressed. The last two days of the family reunion I felt no particular need, urgency, or calling to be with family. Aside from my father’s side of the family, my mother, brother and uncle lived in the same city the family reunion was taking place, a perfect reason to bring my son to meet his uncle and cousins and spend time with his grandmother. When I visited my uncle and spent time with my brother, I was reminded many things, such as, people don’t change, care to think about what makes you comfortable when it comes to them feeling good, and that my patience level with many things and people is diminishing quickly. I found out many things about the family that I didn’t know… but what I discovered about myself… what I found within was frightening.
A mirror holds no more truth than that of the eyes staring into it.
Realizations:
One way I used to be able to tell whether I could stand or whether or not I was happy with myself was the mirror test. I cannot lie to myself for long. If I looked away, like an uncomfortable person might do when looked at, then that was the truth. At the family reunion, I felt something strange; it wasn’t bad vibes from the family. The feelings were intense, fear of judgments, “what ifs” like what if so and so got drunk and said something to piss me off, what if… Bullshit! I felt a bit pissed off that this was one of the only times that I had met these family members of mine, a bit disgruntled that my father barely made attempts for me or my brother to visit the family back east. I found feelings all over the place and thoughts that had me up for hours at night when I should have been asleep. Was I really this angry with my father? Did I develop a type of class-consciousness about my family, well, my father’s first cousins? What I felt came down to me realizing that there is/was a sense of discontentment within myself, a sort of dissatisfaction that comes from one that over analyzes their life accomplishments, but I am still young in years, and immature in experience so it is okay. Learn I must, trust I must have with faith & hope, and love, as in a relationship is an element that will come when I’m ready to accept the challenge.
Realities of the Self:
Though the eyes may be closed and our bodies and minds might seem asleep, the spirit within is churning and the soul is forever alert. In San Diego, I also found that one of my gifts has not left me, the knack for folks to be receptive of my caring nature, for instance, one guy just stopped his car in the middle of the street and began telling me his problems. “You’re just a magnet for crazy people aren’t you,” my mother says. Then I explain to her that this always happens to me and that I am a magnet for crazy people… and crazy women. Things of this nature used to be very common to me in checkout lines, walking down the street, or eating a bite out somewhere, folks will just out of the blue begin to tell me their problems. Usually I respond with some wise words I find within, but this time, I said nothing… I said nothing. Oftentimes a person’s actions speak louder than words, however, what do we do if it is hard for us to speak? We Write!!!
What I found in San Diego was that I am really depressed. I believe that I am really depressed, although I also believe that it is simply circumstantial, so let me enact some things that leads me out of my current circumstances, for “I refuse to be a victim of circumstance, I am the navigator of my own ship with a clear starry sky & God as my navigator.” Why is in necessary for me to uplift myself? Why is it necessary for me to find comfort in giving comfort & advice to others? What is churning deep within me (other than my soul) that needs nurturing? It is what we don’t say to others that haunts us, what we don’t say to ourselves that bites us back. It is what we fail to understand about life, ourselves, a well as the hearts and intentions of others that leaves us baffled sailing through a place in our lives hungry, misunderstood, uneasy, sad, depressed and very anxious. It is what we fail to do for ourselves that hurts the softest part of our heart.
Self Conviction, Self Hate & Self Love:
“Can’t you see that I’m the biggest hater of me, I find myself constantly, disappointed by what my eyes hurt to see,” as I once wrote in a rap. At times we deprive ourself from education, experience, nourishment & Love, emotionally isolating and hanging ourselves, crucifying ourselves leaving what we didn’t destroy to vultures, coyotes and parasites We can at times be our worst critic, the one holding the gavel and at the same time on stand, the prosecutor and the defense. I often find myself escaping reality in procrastination and deep thought, however my “right mind” as I call it or my Conscience self won’t let that happen for too long before the self hate steps in. Perhaps hate is a strong word, yet I fully understand how it comes about. How do we wake ourselves up and realize how beautiful and fortunate we are, living thankfully with faith and just action, when we get confused and overwhelmed with the way things are, feeling powerless about the change we could be scared of attaining, again, with an inner-fear that we might screw it up? Answer: Any way we positively and possibly can! So how necessary is “Doing us,” loving ourselves and enjoying the pleasures that make us remember the passed days… or nights J. How deserving are we of being happy, successful, (whatever your measure be). What is beautiful in your eyes? What does it mean to be rich? What types of richness are they and which types do you possess? How much do we all deserve Love and to be loved?
So what’s up with everyone saying “I’m gonna just do me,” or “I’m doing me,” neglecting those around us or unintentionally abusing those around us that love us ever so dearly. So what I see is “I’m doing me,” turns into “Fuck you,” when the selfish desire to love oneself goes a bit too far like a very bad joke. “Doing You,” is NOT an excuse to fuck over others. I just had to rant and say that… Now on the subject of loving one’s self and completing/fulfilling desires, do you think there are some desires that would hurt others or could possible hurt yourself? "Do we escape heartache by doing Us, or just prolong the inescapable suffering?" How about neglect, are we neglecting anyone we love or that loves us by (clearing my throat) doing ourselves (sounds a bit nasty to me :D)? I once wrote that Love is detrimental to the survival of the human race for protecting ourselves as well as others creating families and passing on knowledge, much easier done when out of love or for the love of giving. Well if it’s love that I believe will keep me sane, then it’s lots of love I will send to other’s as well as myself. Below is a poem, hope you enjoy.
Shed tears find no shelter from blinding skin stinging sand storms
As bodies grow tired with struggle and stress & minds fail to rest
Bullets scream bloody murder before they enter the places they hope to leave soon
Often in ricochet they find a way of escape
As we bounce off of experiences hoping each will strengthen us as
We find escapes in the damndest and very obvious of places
As coping is done differently by each… belts, shoe strings, extension chords & ropes…
Are sadly tied as other ties are broken that once held generations strong
Trying desperately to fabricate believable lies to self and erase memories & faces when it Is our own reflection or shadow we sometimes find difficult to view
With us searching for answers in front of us… it is us we begin to distrust
There is an unseen fabric that connects us regardless of self-disgust
Beautifully imperfect us
One that connects all living things that hold purpose yet a fabric seldom discussed
Yards of silky linen of all colors and shines hold us
Tied around our waists to hold us firm as we dangle
Inches from a deceiving smelters smoldering hell
A place that even some soldiers gone there won’t dare to tell
But we all have battles as much as we all have emotions, or
It at least sometimes seems that way…”sometimes,” (in my Bilal voice)
We all have baggage or have had it from black trash bag to Samsonite
Expectations now flourish with chlorine & fluoride treated water
Treating ourselves to things such as false sugars & placebos…
That make our bones brittle and muscles ever so weak &
The mind really is a dangerous place as we are led like pork to the smokehouse
Fattened up to please everyone else but me, but…
Am I fat enough for them?
Is making it and bringing home the bacon enough?
Pretty/Handsome enough, smart enough, cool enough, elegant, intelligent,
Silly to act a fool enough? Sexy enough? “Damn it… is anything ever enough?”
Should I measure my successes with the length of each gray hair
Multiplied by my years and wrinkles, or
The worth of a pearl from an oyster that is as old as I?
Perhaps by yards of the walks I have walked, many football fields over
And over again until my shoes wear down & feet grow sore
Precious life of mine I do adore… so
Why have I attempted suicide before, thought about it countless times?
Is it because I’m a writer and many go out this way, violently or with a bang
Or like lives that felt too often that they didn’t meet, convinced that…
They couldn’t meet the challenge, like them, the balance, it hangs
As I struggle to find my own amongst broken flash drives
Piecing together the shattered & dangerously sharp stained glass
That has wonderfully become my color-filled life but you know
We are often deceived
That we can’t
Even by us…unless we do this or
Help them or…
Go there and shmooze with whose who while I am barely a somebody when
I am King, Captain, Survivor, Supervisor in this short life I have known as mine
But I stand relieved once more finding peace when I…
Exact the location of the coordinates and attack the evil agent
No confusion need live here
Only Love…
Contentment, promise, purpose, preservation, progress, prosperity & inner-peace
As I remember flash pictures of beautiful things like
Drives like ones in back country Bay Area & San Diego, the ones in Maui
My hikes, swims and dives… my life,
So many smiles & laughs… my son
Love, much love streaming from all directions of me
Love given fruitfully to me by individuals and
Infinite Love I experience from our creator
As I am shown many things including myself I am forever grateful
Reminded that I am never alone through pains & mass precipitation
Forever loyal to all I love and respect, checking myself & trying to stay patient
For it’s time for us to love to live to love for ourselves and hopefully
Hopefully I’ll once again spend time with those that believed in me
Prayed for me, stayed with me and up late for me, adored me as I have them
Family and friends and hopefully, hopefully heaven will be waiting
After my heart has stopped beating
After there’s no battles worth my fighting and enemies worth defeating
After all stories are told to my grandchildren and I begin the repeating them yet
They still ask to hear more with eagerness to listen, I to see them achieving…
Goals that they have set for themselves, as I finish little that I actually start
Once I feel completed in every way and nothing feels missing
When rising of the sun and it’s setting is similar to the kissing I’ve done again & again
I’ll be walking yards along those pearly gates, listening to the music within
When my body is tired, soul at ease and no one living that on me depend
I might shed tears of happiness or… I might just smile
For now, I might learn to love and trust again
I might pick up the deep hustle within me and create dividends
I will stand strong like trees with deep roots through the storm and live to feel the rain Again
Yards…Again
8-20-2011
