Moral Obligation and Where it Settles...

Where Do We Go From Now?

What is your Philosophy on Change?

At times we are faced with moral stalemates, reminders that knock on our conscious by way of our simple humanity. It could be a turn of events such as the racially charged atmosphere we have been experiencing or perhaps another issue that brings us close also such as a natural disaster, national outrage or perhaps it was a death of someone close to us. What are we to do when we feel powerless?  Sometimes I feel like the problems of the outside environment outweigh everything however are nowhere present within the struggle happening within my own home.  The way of the land affects the way you land in bed tonight, whether you acknowledge it or not. The political atmosphere as well as the natural environment have a direct impact on the way we are allowed to live our lives.  

We are all capable of using our own mind and utilizing our own logic, when it comes to what we deem right and wrong. What we do and choose not to do will effect not only our children but other generations to come. So it is with dire urgency that we preserve all life and build everyone and every living thing up so that we might know a deeper part of ourselves and plan for the children before it's too late. We turn on the news, see videos on youtube and receive facebook posts all with negativity. This person got shot that person got shot, this person killed their children, this person shot a movie theater up."  We then see the other media stuff, the celebrity distractions and somehow forget about what matters... because we are Taught to! 

Some things such as natural disasters are out of our control but we can plan for our families and can make a difference here at home, in the streets outside by simply picking up a piece of trash or planting a tree. Could planting a tree be seen as revolutionary? Think about it, in a planet where we use technology for everything and tech savvy is how we're all expected to be, to do something natural to create or preserve life other than organize and control it would be seen revolutionary indeed.  We can pick up a book and read to our kids. We can go to a beach, park or museum or see some crazy performance from out of town, if we can afford it right? More than anything when we see something wrong or unjust, we can call it like we see it and use the unfortunate opportunity to educate.  Let's lead by example and show folks different!

I found these small manzanita bushes on the side of a windy mountain by themselves. They were small, yet strong! When determined, nothing can shake you, deter you or cause you to loose footing.  How can we change conditions?  By challenging thought, but explaining things as clear as day in a manner everyone can comprehend, we can make a difference in our lives as well as in those around us.  By having conversations about race, class, money, and the natural state of things as well as revisiting the past, we can help sculpt a future desirable for everyone.  Here's something I did for a class when I was in New York.  You can always challenge old ways of thinking.  By the way, I almost always got an "A," because my logic was sound, arguments arranged well and well sourced. This teacher had to stick to the script and was very cool but I couldn't stand what I was being taught at times or that we were even required or expected to learn this BS. "The Greats" my ass!  How are you going to be great?  To breath alone is a feat in itself, for life is no accident and we have to fight to live!  So live!

Sekou M. Black

Philos 100-9E

Professor Mendoza

12-11-09

The Difference Between Savages and Animals

“I am, therefore,” No! “I am what I am,” said the great philosopher Popeye the sailor man

According to Locke a savage was not

Though justified enough to ravage his lands

Displace natives rape the women

Sell the children for 220 shilling “sold!”

Give others blankets laden with disease

With bloody feet trails of tears were frozen cold

It is these thoughts I venture not on

The canvass they paint where God was reason

Enough to show corrupted souls

Their logic flawed like recently passed seasons

No gifts of thanks only to celebrate

A great massacre of 700 heathens

If I were aboard with knowledge of their ways

No land for days I’d leave not one breathing

Here lies the story of painful pasts

Within this class by blood we share 

These Greek greats were full of shit-

I hope some argue against the loved I pray you dare

To test the tides even Descartes thought

The animals to be without some ethos

Without reason Aristotle’s Ethics

Have no choice thus act sporadic just like my peoples

 Please forgive our conditioned ways

Alienation many lives lost & taken stories tragic

Never forget the past & your families separated made slaves

Unforgivable that dreadful passage

Now many hoods know endless cycles savage acts

Upon occasion only rashness void of prior deliberation

Governments led the desecration of habitats?

Spread across the globe to every nation

So what’s tomorrow? The future we hold

My posteriori solid as animals remain sane

My understanding is beyond reason

My breaths are laxed I can’t complain

Disappointed by what my eyes hurt to see

Often strain to blind my hearts view from the lavish

Who’s executed these truths acts deemed inhumane?

Who’s civil now and who’s the savage?

Waiting for Rain… or Waiting for Flame!

Nothing learned is ever in vain

Waiting for Rain… or Waiting for Flame!

Yea, I know I haven’t written shit in a while but life has a way of twisting things within folds and releasing truths within the stinging flow of things… in other words, I've been going through my own shit too. But while engulfed in this beautiful dance of triumph and burn and stand and run and fall and bleed, I noticed a continuous pattern of sorts. I have much to say but will try my best to keep this blog short.

I’d like to one day write a blog or a book about how to reach success… but my goals seem far and I’m right here right now.

 What has been relevant in my life, as well as those I have grown fondness towards, have been experiencing many changes, good and bad, real and false but something has directed them to take a certain course of action, which leads us to now… this moment on this page… trying to either figure out the next best plan, how to move from the space that we’re in… or trying to figure out where the heck I’m going with this one.

Death and Birth have been trending or I’m getting older , however have noticed this a lot more with friends of mine.  Family members getting sick and dying, women getting pregnant, babies being born.  Many of us have, through circumstance of life, have bear witness to the birth and death of many things, sometimes a rate much too rapid for processing.  To joke but also to be health conscious, since it is preventative medicine now… Now would be a good time to blaze a joint… but seriously. 

Recently I've had the opportunity, well we all have in some sense, to witness the death and the beginning of many things, some in the Change in other people, in death and in new life, of relationships and ways of making a way for oneself or for a family.  Some have had life-shaking first-hand experiences that have either left them with certain feelings or heavy emotions, & some experiences that have just left you… without room or understanding… to process  what the eyes have seen and what the heart wasn't ready for… but the important thing is that you Do feel, not exit and write it off as a “damn, let me get over this,” but a “damn, how do I want to handle this… because our coping mechanisms that we have grown so comfortable with have been deciding for us. Sometimes this is not a good thing, especially if we intend to grow smarter, mentally and spiritually stronger & wiser.

Some were ringing on the “Happy” song talking about “You don’t need to be happy in your misery, you need to handle that S#*!”  but at the same time should learn to focus on quality of life along with direction, that we need to learn to dance in the rain and not be afraid to get wet. 

For hundreds of years, perhaps many thousands uncounted we have had to plan our lives in seasons, in years.  In some cases, those plans made spawned from instances and chances we decided to take… Let us flash back to the recent past, lets say a good 150 years ago, where irrigation was simple yet more than adequate, when the word “running water” was said, it had to do with a river or stream, and when every plan was made, every family or individual plan,  the plan for survival depended on the seasons and weather. Some would have to wait for snow to melt to travel, others for autumn to harvest, for rain so that they could begin to see results from anything accomplished.

Imagine having to plant seeds and waiting for rain?

It’s not that we forgot to plant altogether, maybe it’s that we forgot how to be patient and wait, for all of the fun things and enriching things we can do once we have planned and planted… right?  How do we know what we've planted will grow well, or “the way we want it to”? 

I’ve recently come to terms, see, I’ve accepted that some things are made to be ugly, that there is a certain way of things, a pattern of sorts that everything in living existence follows. We influence this pattern oftentimes, sometimes doing too much. It doesn't matter what spiritual belief you have, these patterns govern our daily life whether or not you choose to see them. There is a cause and effect that sways some things, a pattern, a way of motion. I have also come to terms with my own purpose, that I am supposed to heal others, inspire and nurture growth in living things, teach, help the disadvantaged, and most importantly help God’s children. This is what I have finally accepted.

We have learned to accept what we can, to move with the flow of things and that this and that adds up, that there basically is a formula for happiness in all of our lives.  We've tried many different things, when one things doesn't work, we find the courage to do otherwise but sometimes the math seems strange and things don't seem to add up no matter how hard we try.  We try our best to stay committed to promises we've made, set and standards... we have decided to live by but some of us find a path that directs us elsewhere.

 Some stay on the desired path set but loose something else in the process, perhaps a bit of us or a passion we once held onto for worth… for survival. Things change and damn… we must learn to be cool with this. I also have come to terms that I feel the need to express that we are all connected to each other, to every living thing, and that everything in it’s absurdedy and oddness, that even Death has its reason. 

How am I going to explain to my readers with words that everything has as reason, that Fear is a displaced emotion often used against us, unless it’s natural survival (a car was speeding so I was scared and moved out of the street). How am I going to make y’all comfortable with loosing those you love, with dealing with forces of opposition when I feel them myself?  How am I going to help you all come to terms with nature, God and with the strange presence of Death… when I have not died or experienced afterlife, only the after-math?  I don’t know but that is a challenge I chose. How do you choose to live? What challenges are you ready to face?

 Unless we have to worry about an animal charging, or a natural disaster displacing us, we’re pretty cool with nature right, I mean some of us would never go hiking but we’re rarely afraid that we’re going to be the next people on those videos “When Nature Attacks,” n stuff. Many I know don’t have to plan their life to avoid natural disasters, animals or nature. The only disasters we have to deal with are the ones we humans create, and the closest, most brutal attacks we experience come from those closest to us.  Some things we don’t need to influence, or try to in other words, things will happen in nature regardless, such is the way of life, yet we are so used to getting what we want, fighting, fighting, fighting… for nothing, for a chance at what we consider Greatness or Progress, often burning a something on the path when we ourselves acknowledge that we were “On Fire.” At the same time in between keeping our head together and running full steam ahead, told in so many ways that there is opportunity, that we all have a fighting chance… but for some all we see is that for all of our lives, we have been fighting, fearfully, with some new burden of FEAR that we have not had before, well in some countries and in some periods of time such as Romans against Christians, and everyone against Jews….

Now  the fear is not directed towards a populous of a certain culture of peoples… but the whole genome of the Human race… like an EVIL Filled FEAR of IN-ADEQUATENESS and hopelessness!! Bullshit!!, we sometimes yearn for a cleansing, a rain shower of sorts… to wash away the pain and confusion, to drown out the situation, to drown us completely… or to just enjoy that music instead.  As I just watched a video of a man running away from an angry stingray, I’m reminded or our simple past, that one closer to nature. I’m then reminded that unless something is chasing us or trying to kill us, we rarely understand completely that we have done something wrong, made a mistake, went into the wrong cave, decided the wrong path or walked into the wrong lake or river.  We can look at many things in life that way, relationships, places we've moved to, life decisions even when made for a better purpose. Sometimes we need to step back out of ourselves, re-evaluate, and revamp our purpose in order to know that we are on the right path, that we are comfortable how anything including death will end. 

Preparation: does it lead to progress or to heartache and failure?

How do you view your progress in life? How do you place value on things?

Have you found, or felt a purpose life, or been driven by an action that could have life changing implications?

Now is the time in our lives when we look ever so critical at ourselves, we look deep into ourselves and begin to do what we have not wanted others to do… judge us.  We weigh ourselves by our sacrifice and what we view as success for ourselves, becoming our own parents. Then something changes for some, once they themselves become parents, then their conscience begins to call in ways it never has before.

There are miraculous instances in nature, where intense heat from flame is needed in order to open the seed for germination. Some of us I notice and some I know require a lil bit of fire to open up, shoot, some of y’all just as stubborn as I am so maybe that’s some reasons why we suffer… because the fire wasn't hot enough and our lesson was yet to be over. But I must admit that I noticed a strange opposition no matter how people do that bleeds energies and life force from us. Remember that the fact that you breathe and carry a soul makes you triumphant!    
                                                          lodgepole pine

                                                                        manzanita

Things are churning and changing in ways seen and in many ways unseen by the naked eye in front of  and hidden away from the light, yet it is our responsibility to Live regardless and Love 9 or at least accept, change and respect) everything about it in the process.  I’m not one to believe in reincarnation, however I don’t know about y’all… but let’s try and do this right the First time!

“Baby you can do it take your time, do it right!”

It is time for me to end this rant, this sacred written chant about life. … and end things on a wise note, something like, “Don’t trip, things come around full circle.” And purposely leave it like that… no I won’t do that.

Responsibility and Change are some serious things to live with and accept, which is why I find it so important to remind all of us, that we are not in it alone. We have to evaluate who we are and where we place ourselves in the madness which is this beautiful existence called Life. I challenge you to find your purpose, your talents, or at least go search for something good and help someone discover theirs.

When looking for trouble we’re told we’ll often find it, but if we’re looking for good, you just might stumble across a miracle. Why wait for positive change when we can influence the creation of it? Keep your eyes, hearts, and hustling minds open wide! We might run into a little rain and lightning. Some wait for rain, others escape towards the sounds of thunder, unafraid of the sky opening, burning blazes of striking lightning… Waiting for flames.

~ Sekou M. Black

Moving Mountains

FAITH & BURDENS Part 1:

 

Sometimes we view our problems as the pinnacle of "who we are" even go as far as defining "Who we are right now" when the stark truth is that "We are not our problems, We are not the circumstances that caused them, nor are they worth the heartache, time lost in life, money lost in hustle or pain associated with it." We are simply the Burden Bearers, Generation Healers and Future Teachers, that's all so... Let us learn like for the first time like children, chalk it up as a loss like a G, fix it if you can, replace bad habits with the awesome good, give thanks while soaking up the wisdom and lessons like the wise resting eyes on sacred pages while receiving the Sun's rays, pull someone else up while you're rising and keep it positive and keep it movin. Move Somethin!!

Move Mountains!!!

 

FAITH & BURDENS Part 2:

 

If you can view a Creator's love as parental, Parental/patriarchal government, societies, economics... so the simplest way to put the clashing of thoughts and progression of such prospects outlining greed and the gluttonous search for more is that everyone is just trying to parent in their own way, parenting and controlling others, raising and molding to fit what we want or need, yet the weight usually felt by the parent can be expressed in many different ways as they begin to address the cost of Sacrifice and the Burden they chose to carry to protect the child or children. Do our many parents sacrifice for us? In this book called the bible (yeah, I've doubted, sought, researched, contended and came to peace with a version of the bible I felt less corrupted by centurie's societies) it tells of this cool dude named Jesus that kicked it with everybody and performed miracles. We're also told in this text how he lived and we, who believe that God and Jesus does exist, are told that he sacrificed himself for us, for something hard to explain or come to grasp with such as the existence of a "human soul".  Now I can ask some probing questions such as do you think there is good and evil, why, yadayada but this is focused on our ability to cope with stress and with what life throws us.  What if you were told that if you have a bunch of problems and you're doing, I mean Really doing everything you can, or you can't stop thinking about this, or thinking about that... that all you have to do is do something called pray, or simply talk, yell, cry, whaichever you choose... and believe, and tell your problems to something which you can't see, a sort of like exchange of truth for trust, and your burden will feel lightened by Giving your problems, Handing your problems over to a higher power that want to hear from something it created, like a parent?

  We'd like to believe in super heroes and the thought of being able to make a miraculous difference in a world that has proved that not even innocent children are given leway or can escape the torture of suffering and death.  We want to have hope, we gravitate towards it, we aspire to achieve and survive yet daily and unaware are fed messages of uncertainty, confusion, fear, malice, greed and death. We are told that God is dead and miracles only exist in breakthroughs in science when the very fact that everything on this earth, every organism, the patterns in nature that are shown in fluid and matter, even down to the same molecules arein sync, even without us is more than one miracle, but an entanglement of mystery to those that chose the rocky road of doubt, trying not to believe over just... Faith.

 

I try to only post non-religious stuff here for folks that are scared of stakes and crosses lol but I Must post this before night's pass!  Do you remember when folks were all into that book Secret and willing things and bringing things into existence with mere thought.  Faith can do much... Have you yourself witnessed what faith can accomplish? Well, we know it takes more than just a strong mind but listen to this wisdom...  To once again give y’all a heads up, this is a story about a man (note: alternate text, other than biblical has supported his existence) named Jesus. 

Now in the morning, as He returned to the city, He was hungry. 

And seeing a fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it but leaves, and said to it, “Let no fruit grow on you ever again.”  Immediately the fig tree withered away.

And the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, “How did the fig tree wither away so soon?”

So Jesus answered and said to them, “Assuredly, I say this to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' it will be done.

And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."

     New King James Version Holy Bible, Book-Matthew 21:18-22.

What, ask and you shall receive, closed mouth don't get fed, I'm pretty sure you've heard something like this before.  I know this might be a little hard to conceive, "ask and It'll get done... for real, I wasn't born yesterday."  But for one that has seen and heard things once believed not possible, I can assure you that there is always hope, as long as something can grow, somewhere, there's hope.  I've never moved any mountains per-se but who knows, one day, together we might.

So these burdens we carry and get over pass(because it is our duty to learn, over come and get over things), we don't have to hold on to them. Let em go, do what you can and kick rocks!(move on) Sometimes approaching clouds might scare us but we'll be prepared for the next storm and no matter what you were told, you are Never and were never alone, even during that B.S. that many agree no one should have to go through.  We all breathe this air and step on this Earth and there are spiritual forces that just like the ones that like to see us fail and hurt, Love us and love to see us rise and succeed. What would you like to bring into fruition?  Either millions of folks that believe in something greater than their own existence… are crazy... or we are All destined for greatness. Which would you like to believe?           

Have a great month of March family and Friends.

 

Sekou M. Black

Electric Change

As a day to remember the greats passes such as Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I'm reminded those that sacrificed so that others might not know suffering the same. Some ignited the powder keg of change in non-violent ways , while others chose a way that yielded results differently, yet none less noble than the other. Things, times, stories, promises and our children are all changing rapidly in an age when values are being re-visited, also in an era where information and control are played with by the powers that be, but regardless of the time we have with others, the attitude and Will I be mentioned amongst the greats? I used to have this issue with not being able to help others as far as work goes and my friends would remind me “you can't help others if you need to first help yourself.” This stands so true, so true to a realization that I stopped trying to work in the non-profit field and began to do something different. Luckily I re-discovered writing and poetry. Right now I don't reach a lot of folks, but those that do read what I share are thankful that they did. (Hint hint... tell folks about this blog)

Day upon day we wonder and question at specific times... What can little old me do to make a difference? Sometimes we're driven or moved to do more, think differently, or create some sort of change, whether it be from a distressful situation or a way of being that is nothing less than lifeless with stagnation. Difference: there's not much to it but a comparison, so aside from daily patterns responsibilities, it does take a spark of courage to veer off of the well paved road onto rocky trails & do something differently. The thing about creating change and making some sort of difference isn't that you simply help others or that you've fulfilled some sort of happiness by helping someone, but that “It Was Done.” Many times others might not see or even acknowledge the work you've done to make a difference in the life of another, however by helping one, (even by simply listening) mountains are moved. I know, many have helped me and I'm so thankful that they chose to open their eyes and see that something was up with me. So difficult these days to create and maintain a healthy community, but we all have to do something, even if it's reminding someone that we care and understand. Now doing something noble for the greater good... that's a different blog altogether. What will you do to protect your freedoms & those of ones that will come after you?

I don't ask that you guys donate to your local charitable organizations, or that you protest for something you believe in, just open your eyes & try something different. Some are moved with music and poetry while others are moved by what they hear opposed to what they see. I'm moved by beauty, compassion, passion, justice, struggle, Love and Truth found in so many things our creator has given us. So many have sacrificed so that we might have the comforts we know today, the freedoms that we try hard to express to my young folks. Lets not shame them (our ancestors, civil rights leaders, & close relatives) with our neglect by taking freedom for granted.

Wow... Change, so many things are changing. Everyday I read something new or hear of some crazy shit that so many are oblivious to... right under our noses, Laws about internet censorship, arresting peaceful protesters & firing tear gas into crowds of women & children, ordinary citizens organizing to protest or watch independent films being spied on & watched closely, hold up, is J. Edgar Hoover still head of the FBI (He died years ago...asshole)? So now is time for us to wake up, read different media sources. If in the Bay listen to KPFA, if in SD, listen to NPR or check out Hard Knock Radio on KPFA's website. I myself will continue to stand for all things my ancestors & many more died for. Do you have anything that you live for? What/who would you die for?

Use your voice if you can (even if it's reading a book to a child, your own). Some can barely communicate how they feel or live. Some speak of scraping to barely get by, many find it hard just to survive. I don't know about y'all but I can be comfortable just doing family things and day to day tasks, but remember, life is so short to stress like nuts, or allow someone else to. I don't want to just survive. I want to Thrive! I wanna Live and I believe that I'm once again learning how. LIVE!! So I'll continue to fight in my ways. It's okay to make a few waves, even if you can't swim that well. You just might be able to surf them safely to shore when the seas of life seem too rough to swim.

 

The dead look up eerily in silence & disgust

Never asking, “Why fight?” if they could

As pepper is sprayed into the eyes of the learning young

Tear gas gets fired into crowds of women and children & nothing is done, however

You can feel it in the air

You can smell it, like a holiday pie cooling off under someones window sill

Like the smell of an approaching storm

Not Love, but something similar

Something just as strong, yet it moves groups of folks not just two individuals

This change that clings to our restless spirits like static

Reactions to no action, they demand change

The tired, sore reflections of day to day progress

Progress for the far off lands they've cleared for the youth to both learn & play

Sacrificial in every sense of the concept, selfless

Teacher and leader to those willing to listen we all must strive to be or

Perhaps we could all just be good followers, not blind but Just

But if only, just if we could encourage some new leaders

But we are so caught up what our beloved country has fed us...

Dreams of white picket fences, strip malls, fico scores, countless goods, scams, prisons,

Irresponsible media, WAR, Hate, social awareness, financial status, bad habits & triple beams

As the hard working struggle experiencing family drama considered tragic but

This is America as we know it

Changing

Challenging

Innovative

Daring

Defeating and oh so young this country stands

Amongst the willing & most ingenuous

In shame

While some justify why it's “okay” to withhold the truth with rules, red tape & greedily drool

Others suffer in silence...

Hoping that someone with the strength will hold steadfast like a bent stop sign in a hurricane Standing!

Speaking volumes for what their scarred heard could in no condition utter

Sisters, brothers and even grandparents Standing up out of retirement...

Standing for their grandchildren and even complete strangers

So even the old timers wise in age begin to take up marching with swollen knees and old bones
Reconnecting all things they remember that once drove them to make a stand the first time

Reflecting cold lines of more picket signs, songs and of defiance in late December

Strong speakers, nurses, even elementary school teachers decided enough is enough

While the comfortable complacent become uneasy with all this electric energy shooting about

Can you feel it? Is it like an illness this call to change that's happening, spreading like-

Like something that needs to be confined

Centuries worth of progressive planning has left us with systems that in no way console

Let them try to poke & prod the hearts of the willing for our minds they can in no way control

Relinquishing honor and respect in every law enacted

Rules & laws that have enough red tape to block out the sun &

Strings of influence so long that can reach to the nearest solar system

But I have a solution, they call it eaves dropping, and prison

But how sovereign are we within our sovereign nation

Shaken to tears, back to church, mobs of earth movers doing something out of both Love & frustration

Passing along a song of hope or the young life that by being overwhelmed finds it difficult to cope

Words, promises, fights, loved ones, goals, dreams & hopes

Tasks & things we won't feel complete if we left this world without

Are you afraid of the danger that change brings

The possibility of being ripped from those whom you love or

Stripped of those things you worked so hard in your existence to possess?

All in the name of love, truth, and compassionate progress

But you don't have to be a bulldozer, wheel barrel, or drug trafficker to move something

You can be a small child drawing a picture or recycling

All it takes is an action different than one that solely feeds the self

A healthy reaction of common sense & shared interest to Do something

So while walls fall down, cell phone services freeze & drop bars, blackouts occur

Riots happen, freedoms revoked like drivers licenses taken away & replaced with fees

The pillars of this country also violently crumble as our delegations are replaced with thieves

With greed, selfishness and ignorance I try to remind myself that history repeats & that

Ain't nothing anymore really that strange

As dollars get redirected the youth get neglected and the balance of tomorrow hangs

Nothing left to do but make the best of it, Work Smarter, Love Stronger and Dream Louder
For some have waited all their fragile life for this, have fought hard, bled and survived to witness
Lost limbs loved ones and the chance to see sunlight in order to invite this amazing electric change

Electric Change

1-19-2012

Opportunities for growth, Dealing with the Self, Contentment & Inner-Peace

It is rare that I dedicate poems or writings to myself. It is time for me to rewind, reflect, act now, so that I may unwind and create a bright future that may wait.

This particular blog post has erupted from many experiences and due to an array of common human life circumstances.  Many whom I know are going through divorces, relationship changes, life changes, career changes, self realizations, issues with one’s life path, or path we have taken and close encounters with new life and the reality of death, whether it be directly or personally affected by a loved one no longer around in body.  One common thread in these conversations is heartbreak, psychological abuse, neglect, being taking for granted, Self Consciousness, and expectations brought about by family as well as self.

As I compile my thoughts like a zip file in a computer crunching information, things my close friends have shared with me all follow similar patterns.  First I thought it was age, as it very well might be, however, I am beginning to wonder if the problems many (including me) are facing in their lives from financial to familial have any thing to do about how we see ourselves and how we deal with our Self. You see… this question of the Self was something that was addressed in an Intro to Philosophy course I once took. It led me to realizations and questions that seemed to stem from the very place societies are grown from: Values and Virtues, most often shared in close-knit communities, but one thing is for certain, we are all growing wiser, learning, and living.  When we are stagnant and do nothing to enrich our lives, our minds of the lives of others, then that’s being dead, I prefer to be happy & live, but yeah I know… easier said than done.

  

                                                                   An Opportunity

Two weeks ago I was granted an opportunity to attend a family reunion, something that I have always wanted to do since I barely know anyone from my father’s side of the family.  On this journey to get to know my family I gained a chance to look at who I am and discovered that I am still depressed.  The last two days of the family reunion I felt no particular need, urgency, or calling to be with family. Aside from my father’s side of the family, my mother, brother and uncle lived in the same city the family reunion was taking place, a perfect reason to bring my son to meet his uncle and cousins and spend time with his grandmother. When I visited my uncle and spent time with my brother, I was reminded many things, such as, people don’t change, care to think about what makes you comfortable when it comes to them feeling good, and that my patience level with many things and people is diminishing quickly.  I found out many things about the family that I didn’t know… but what I discovered about myself… what I found within was frightening.  

            A mirror holds no more truth than that of the eyes staring into it.

Realizations:

            One way I used to be able to tell whether I could stand or whether or not I was happy with myself was the mirror test.  I cannot lie to myself for long.  If I looked away, like an uncomfortable person might do when looked at, then that was the truth. At the family reunion, I felt something strange; it wasn’t bad vibes from the family. The feelings were intense, fear of judgments, “what ifs” like what if so and so got drunk and said something to piss me off, what if… Bullshit! I felt a bit pissed off that this was one of the only times that I had met these family members of mine, a bit disgruntled that my father barely made attempts for me or my brother to visit the family back east. I found feelings all over the place and thoughts that had me up for hours at night when I should have been asleep. Was I really this angry with my father? Did I develop a type of class-consciousness about my family, well, my father’s first cousins? What I felt came down to me realizing that there is/was a sense of discontentment within myself, a sort of dissatisfaction that comes from one that over analyzes their life accomplishments, but I am still young in years, and immature in experience so it is okay. Learn I must, trust I must have with faith & hope, and love, as in a relationship is an element that will come when I’m ready to accept the challenge.

Realities of the Self:

            Though the eyes may be closed and our bodies and minds might seem asleep, the spirit within is churning and the soul is forever alert. In San Diego, I also found that one of my gifts has not left me, the knack for folks to be receptive of my caring nature, for instance, one guy just stopped his car in the middle of the street and began telling me his problems. “You’re just a magnet for crazy people aren’t you,” my mother says. Then I explain to her that this always happens to me and that I am a magnet for crazy people… and crazy women. Things of this nature used to be very common to me in checkout lines, walking down the street, or eating a bite out somewhere, folks will just out of the blue begin to tell me their problems. Usually I respond with some wise words I find within, but this time, I said nothing… I said nothing.    Oftentimes a person’s actions speak louder than words, however, what do we do if it is hard for us to speak? We Write!!!

            What I found in San Diego was that I am really depressed.  I believe that I am really depressed, although I also believe that it is simply circumstantial, so let me enact some things that leads me out of my current circumstances, for “I refuse to be a victim of circumstance, I am the navigator of my own ship with a clear starry sky & God as my navigator.”  Why is in necessary for me to uplift myself? Why is it necessary for me to find comfort in giving comfort & advice to others? What is churning deep within me (other than my soul) that needs nurturing? It is what we don’t say to others that haunts us, what we don’t say to ourselves that bites us back. It is what we fail to understand about life, ourselves, a well as the hearts and intentions of others that leaves us baffled sailing through a place in our lives hungry, misunderstood, uneasy, sad, depressed and very anxious. It is what we fail to do for ourselves that hurts the softest part of our heart.

Self Conviction, Self Hate & Self Love:      

“Can’t you see that I’m the biggest hater of me, I find myself constantly, disappointed by what my eyes hurt to see,” as I once wrote in a rap. At times we deprive ourself from education, experience, nourishment & Love, emotionally isolating and hanging ourselves, crucifying ourselves leaving what we didn’t destroy to vultures, coyotes and parasites We can at times be our worst critic, the one holding the gavel and at the same time on stand, the prosecutor and the defense. I often find myself escaping reality in procrastination and deep thought, however my “right mind” as I call it or my Conscience self won’t let that happen for too long before the self hate steps in. Perhaps hate is a strong word, yet I fully understand how it comes about. How do we wake ourselves up and realize how beautiful and fortunate we are, living thankfully with faith and just action, when we get confused and overwhelmed with the way things are, feeling powerless about the change we could be scared of attaining, again, with an inner-fear that we might screw it up? Answer: Any way we positively and possibly can! So how necessary is “Doing us,” loving ourselves and enjoying the pleasures that make us remember the passed days… or nights J. How deserving are we of being happy, successful, (whatever your measure be).  What is beautiful in your eyes? What does it mean to be rich? What types of richness are they and which types do you possess?  How much do we all deserve Love and to be loved?

            So what’s up with everyone saying “I’m gonna just do me,” or “I’m doing me,” neglecting those around us or unintentionally abusing those around us that love us ever so dearly. So what I see is “I’m doing me,” turns into “Fuck you,” when the selfish desire to love oneself goes a bit too far like a very bad joke.  “Doing You,” is NOT an excuse to fuck over others. I just had to rant and say that… Now on the subject of loving one’s self and completing/fulfilling desires, do you think there are some desires that would hurt others or could possible hurt yourself? "Do we escape heartache by doing Us, or just prolong the inescapable suffering?"  How about neglect, are we neglecting anyone we love or that loves us by (clearing my throat) doing ourselves (sounds a bit nasty to me :D)?  I once wrote that Love is detrimental to the survival of the human race for protecting ourselves as well as others creating families and passing on knowledge, much easier done when out of love or for the love of giving. Well if it’s love that I believe will keep me sane, then it’s lots of love I will send to other’s as well as myself. Below is a poem, hope you enjoy.

Shed tears find no shelter from blinding skin stinging sand storms

As bodies grow tired with struggle and stress & minds fail to rest

Bullets scream bloody murder before they enter the places they hope to leave soon

Often in ricochet they find a way of escape

As we bounce off of experiences hoping each will strengthen us as

We find escapes in the damndest and very obvious of places

As coping is done differently by each… belts, shoe strings, extension chords & ropes…

Are sadly tied as other ties are broken that once held generations strong

Trying desperately to fabricate believable lies to self and erase memories & faces when it Is our own reflection or shadow we sometimes find difficult to view

With us searching for answers in front of us… it is us we begin to distrust

There is an unseen fabric that connects us regardless of self-disgust

Beautifully imperfect us

One that connects all living things that hold purpose yet a fabric seldom discussed

Yards of silky linen of all colors and shines hold us

Tied around our waists to hold us firm as we dangle

Inches from a deceiving smelters smoldering hell

A place that even some soldiers gone there won’t dare to tell

But we all have battles as much as we all have emotions, or

It at least sometimes seems that way…”sometimes,” (in my Bilal voice)

We all have baggage or have had it from black trash bag to Samsonite

Expectations now flourish with chlorine & fluoride treated water

Treating ourselves to things such as false sugars & placebos…

That make our bones brittle and muscles ever so weak &

The mind really is a dangerous place as we are led like pork to the smokehouse

Fattened up to please everyone else but me, but…

Am I fat enough for them?

Is making it and bringing home the bacon enough?

Pretty/Handsome enough, smart enough, cool enough, elegant, intelligent,

Silly to act a fool enough? Sexy enough? “Damn it… is anything ever enough?”

Should I measure my successes with the length of each gray hair

Multiplied by my years and wrinkles, or

The worth of a pearl from an oyster that is as old as I?

Perhaps by yards of the walks I have walked, many football fields over

And over again until my shoes wear down & feet grow sore

Precious life of mine I do adore… so

Why have I attempted suicide before, thought about it countless times?

Is it because I’m a writer and many go out this way, violently or with a bang

Or like lives that felt too often that they didn’t meet, convinced that…

They couldn’t meet the challenge, like them, the balance, it hangs

As I struggle to find my own amongst broken flash drives

Piecing together the shattered & dangerously sharp stained glass

That has wonderfully become my color-filled life but you know

We are often deceived

That we can’t

Even by us…unless we do this or

Help them or…

Go there and shmooze with whose who while I am barely a somebody when

I am King, Captain, Survivor, Supervisor in this short life I have known as mine

But I stand relieved once more finding peace when I…

Exact the location of the coordinates and attack the evil agent

No confusion need live here

Only Love…

Contentment, promise, purpose, preservation, progress, prosperity & inner-peace

As I remember flash pictures of beautiful things like

Drives like ones in back country Bay Area & San Diego, the ones in Maui

My hikes, swims and dives… my life,

So many smiles & laughs… my son

Love, much love streaming from all directions of me

Love given fruitfully to me by individuals and

Infinite Love I experience from our creator

As I am shown many things including myself I am forever grateful

Reminded that I am never alone through pains & mass precipitation

Forever loyal to all I love and respect, checking myself & trying to stay patient

For it’s time for us to love to live to love for ourselves and hopefully

Hopefully I’ll once again spend time with those that believed in me

Prayed for me, stayed with me and up late for me, adored me as I have them

Family and friends and hopefully, hopefully heaven will be waiting

After my heart has stopped beating

After there’s no battles worth my fighting and enemies worth defeating

After all stories are told to my grandchildren and I begin the repeating them yet

They still ask to hear more with eagerness to listen, I to see them achieving…

Goals that they have set for themselves, as I finish little that I actually start

Once I feel completed in every way and nothing feels missing

When rising of the sun and it’s setting is similar to the kissing I’ve done again & again

I’ll be walking yards along those pearly gates, listening to the music within

When my body is tired, soul at ease and no one living that on me depend

I might shed tears of happiness or… I might just smile

For now, I might learn to love and trust again

I might pick up the deep hustle within me and create dividends

I will stand strong like trees with deep roots through the storm and live to feel the rain Again

Yards…Again

8-20-2011

Calling Conscience: What can you Stomach?

"What do we do when our conscience calls & we’re too... fucked up within to answer?" was a question I started & my father finished.

            It began with a conversation about nutrition.  My father asked “Are you going to eat (as he’s reading the label) this Black Forest Chocolate Cherry Cake?” with a grin on his face. I respond “Yeah, I’ll probably take a big slice, leave one for you & throw the rest away,” I say since my father and I are supposedly very health conscience and our family and friends see us that way.

            After my bowl of cinnamon toast crunch (hahaha) I put the box back, my father gets curious & asks, “Is that cereal there?” Of course, thinking about my father’s health, “This is just sugar, pure sugar,” I tell him as he takes the box out of the pantry and reads out loud the grams of sugar. I begin to complete a meal of quinoa, rice & lentils that I started last night, turn back around and my father is eating this stuff, thinking out loud in moans of measurement, intrigue and pleasure “MMmmm, MMmm.” "And this is what they feed our kids, this was one of my favorite cereals,” I tell him.

            I got this box from the food pantry “FOOD PANTRY?” my father says in a surprised questioning tone, as we both are amazed at the expiration dates and amount of sugary food given out there. Nevertheless I’m always thankful & grateful when I go there & glad that they exist, never asking myself “why am I here.” So yesterday pops gave me a ride to the food pantry (Inter-Faith Ministries) to get some information on how to get my car fixed for free, since a very loved friend of mine told me about the resource (and pick up some food of course) and of course I see the same thing as I always do.

Over weight white women that are missing a few teeth on Crystal Meth and some that would be looked at as white trash, men securing boxes and bags of sugar filled foods(cakes, doughnuts, chips, Danishes w/canned essentials) to their bikes,  Mexican families, and usually, well, hopefully (I know this sounds bad but I’ll explain later) one black person.

“I watched person after person, all over weight, I saw two old overweight ladies piling that stuff into their car… and my eyes teared up,” explained pops…and I too see it all the time. We spoke about how sad it is to see these people, out of jobs, resorted to lining up for this tasty but very bad food. I notice many with cars that were new six years ago, Lexus, Toyotas, S.U.V.s, minivans all not too old (which tells a separate story), and we gawk as we, as I myself experience the realities of disadvantaged & neglected America. “Sometimes it’s hard for me to even go in there, especially because of how I start to feel,” I relay to my father as I begin to describe the demographics and atmosphere in this blessed place of help called the food pantry, including an old Back man I noticed sitting near me who was also waiting for his name to be called.

            He wore a pair of denim overalls, old baseball cap, walked with a slight side to side wobble as old men tend to have, kind of like the old folks I remember in my home town of East Palo Alto, the kind always going on fishing trips and playing dominoes out side of the retiree community center at Bell St. park.  These wise figures of my past, these men are filled with so much wisdom it’s amazing, most having old ties to the country somewhere that you can hear escape in their lively conversations about anything in particular, yet I said nothing.  I spoke to one middle aged White guy about books, sci fi, fantasy and some of the classics I noticed, although fantasy is not usually my cup of tea when reading. The White dude even drove to his house, which wasn't far away to get a few books for me (political in nature) but still I said nothing to the old guy I wanted to get to know.

            I mean, I knew him, not personally, but his story was most likely similar to many that I have grown to know.  He was another Black man and that alone was a strong article of truth we mutually had.  I wanted to introduce myself, ask his name and where he was from but nothing happened, nothing came.  I remained silent.  When the time came for him to get his food and use the carts available to wheel it to his vehicle, I opened the door for him and said “alright now,” but said nothing more. I told my father this and he told me of a time near Santa Cruz in an old restaurant with hicks, rednecks & other back-country folk when he noticed an older Black woman sitting by herself.  My father explained that he wanted to say something to her, to sit with her because he knew she wasn’t used to this. He felt her, he knew her, not personally but in a racially charged society, ethnic ties in understanding are as strong as, if not stronger than any steel cable supporting the George Washington or Golden Gate Bridge.

            So a question and commentary in poetic form that I leave us with has to do with “What do we do when our conscience calls?” I guess for myself, next time I’ll force myself to speak. By the way, I asked pops what he thought about the Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and he tells me he doesn’t plan on ever eating it again.

Calling Conscience, Calling Conscience…

Is anyone there… is there…

Anything more to give than a hello, silence of a blank stare?

What do we do when our conscience calls?

Fed to fulfillment we are like pigs in shady air conditioned slaughter houses

Awaiting the slaughter…hearing the squealing yet ignoring like it will never be us

Abandoned children misled to pimps & slave traders

Giving our very own souls

So that others may luxuriously live

Like some of my ancestors the Cherokee holding tight blankets with disease

Taught that grinding hard for the dollar is the American Way yet

Trying & fighting too hard for your beliefs might get you killed but see…

I wasn’t even a being into existence when puddles of the first blood spilled

Yet I see the madness, lack of unity & lack of interactions in the planned disaster

Of a very much-loved place, which we all call, home

Some chalk it up as the way of things the poor & rich but

From country to country coast-to-coast all we hear & see is the same sad song

The meek need power, the bible says in the end we will win

I believe the morally grounded as really being the strong… yet

The fortunate prey on others, our future at times seems dim

Don’t need to resurrect Marvin Gaye to see what’s goin on

I have heard the cries, stories, & seen the dead, poor and

Those that thought they were better off gone

Many crowded in houses sleeping on floors with nothing more than faith

When hustle was once their friend and success was a trusted neighbor

Who is to judge in sludge so thick that not even whales can swim?

Who can, who Dare laugh at the misfortunes of others?

When even lawyers, doctors, & Internet geniuses are caught surviving on whims

We can do like communities do & make due with what we have

Come together, share resources, hire friends, build businesses & create dividends

Cook together, grow our food, teach our own youth, and attend city meetings we can…

Stand together, talk, sing, cry, be a shoulder to cry on, pray together work…

On our differences yet praise our common struggles, interests & dreams we can…

Do anything…Alone we are a pillar

Together we can help build a foundation for growth, learning & Prosperity

When something is shared we usually either say “No thanks, I’m cool,” or

Are ever so open to receive

So thanks we give and some refuse to suffer

Having fear is not living

Surviving is fine but struggling is not living, just merely existing

Being confined in any way physically, emotionally, financially or spiritually blinds

I know many that lived their years just fine with little… but me

I want more for myself and all of my family & friends

I want to inspire Big Time, touching hearts & enlightening minds

Like diamonds that once poked everywhere out of African soils… rich

I hold dreams serious enough to pave the world over twice in gold so I must

Make it happen & Live, Focus Hustle & Give

I no longer can sit here… I have to Do Something!!! So…

I urge each & everyone to Do Something!!!   Anything to persuade a smile to grow or

Say something, lend a hand in some way, shape, manner, form, or action

Do any small thing, which would encourage another to stand tall

I want to make a difference yet still I wanna ball

What will you do when your conscience calls?

You don’t have to be 100% sane, rich, or completely okay to bring a little light into someone else’s day.

Beautiful Struggle

Ask this man what he has seen and where he's been
Ask him his purpose and the time that he's spent.

Today's blog is dedicated to us, to our hardships and all the beauty we can find within them. As I sometimes say "struggle & heart ache are eminent but pain although unplanned can be optional.
So to leave you with something, I challenge you to reach into your past, to look at all of the hard times & struggle, and pull the beauty that remained when the ground was left with broken glass, coagulated blood & rusted chains. Think of all of the times when love came through in the midst of despair. Life itself is fulled with beautiful struggles, life itself is a Beautiful Struggle.  I hope that I am blessed with the years of old age so that one day someone might ask me where I've been. But it's just not about living which depends, but the legacy left behind & how much love we decide to send. Enjoy

Devils sliver in dark light, constantly whispering sweet nothings with bitter tongues

Into the ears of the downtrodden as

Angels draw swords cutting lies & false truths to pieces while we

Struggle with hustle struggle in silence… struggle much with ourselves

We feel pain so naturally, so it's so hard to remember... to create good times

The abundance of pleasure some throw all responsibility aside to find

What comes easy for some we think as blessed

While we watch hundreds we know and strangers get left so far behind but…

I had to question myself before writing this and so argue I did

“How can a struggle be beautiful, Beautiful Struggle?... that’s Bullshit!”

Kept me silent from writing this poem, yes I must admit yet

One must not neglect the beauty found everywhere that through hardship does persist

The Love found in the damned of places that through all BS does very much exist

I’ve spoken before about the love heard in polyrhythmic beats in

The miracles found & love-filled events that transpire in the streets &

Beautiful things within doors things that make community worthwhile

While family gets too close for some

Things to remember welcomed for our hearts to endure

While others try to forget even themselves & life’s disadvantages trying to numb

We find middle ground somewhere between complete success & failure

As struggle becomes normal and progress, we learn can only be measured by us

Time and time again, while cursing ourselves, family & those that are used... for

Slandering, drama, fighting, backstabbing, conniving… used by forces many don’t know

Or admit the prescience of something greater or lesser that has always been old... we

Search for answers in books & in group meetings while those that fear circumstance

Gain something positive or negative within the will of control

Strengthening through beautiful storms us… we learn not to complain while

Negative forces coerce & distort...

The truth in everything including the time left to sort, so, we must be patient & diligent

Prayers soar like swift falcons challenging the opposition is destined for defeating

Because in life we win constantly yet in living it, there is no cheating

Lessons are learned in all days’ nights in all time given to us in some way so

How does a struggle become beautiful?

Through all the hardship, trial & pain nothing but love remains

In spontaneous BBQs, plates of soul food, ambrosia & potato salads... in

Smiles & interactions with much laughter

The Children

Beauty within man & woman, an embrace of thanks, hand shakes &

Holding an elder’s hand

Car washes, church cookouts to raise funds

Park & lake events, old songs church hymns

Love from someone I haven’t seen since...

Acknowledgment from or hookup from a friend we didn’t know had much clout

Dap, hug & uncontrollable smile from a family member or friend fresh out

A Beautiful Struggle is That Love that damn near extinguishes pain & greed

The type that flies wild on the wind like dandelion seeds

In each message, each smile, in each accomplishment they make that makes us also proud

In the ability for a man or woman to change for the greater good

In an older person’s ability to accept & learn more

In a young person’s ability to listen & learn from the wise

In you, in me, in everything that the Lord creates as good

Together in us is a Beautiful Struggle of how on each other we might depend... for

All of the time given, words spoken and all the love in-between that we send

Wishing we could leave yesterday’s & years stresses for new morning wake

Some give lovingly while others have grown so accustomed to take

Waiting the day where each plan meets success where

Each stress doesn’t hurt the heart like others we have once let in

Left with a bright world void of obstacles with endlessness till death I can explore...beautifully

When I spread seeds of hope with examples of my own & my family struggles no more

Beautiful Struggle

6-21-2011

Beautiful Storm

 I believe it has been about once or twice i
Was given a chance to witness with these two eyes
Tall cumulus clouds encircling while in-between
Fits of lightning lit up those tumultuous skies as
Lovers embrace as a man of passion looks like he’s
Hungry for something engulfs those voluptuous thighs
Love lives void of lies, gives unconditionally to us
For without human passion God is still Love…although
I’ve heard the heart beating, pausing often too slow
When the wind hounds wild & ground looked too cracked
Much too dry for the chance of  Love to grow
Then through dark clouds we saw hope
Big pollowy clouds and the sun came shining through
We hoped and prayed it would rain but only escaped
Were sadly drops few
Then the rain stopped completely
As loud electrical storms loomed all around us
Selfishly withholding any wet hope
We wished with wings we could fly up there
To squeeze the life out of those clouds to
Kiss those lips that maybe weren’t ours for
To simply watch others churning much too much did hurt
Giving ourselves for simple interactive passes with another human touch
Then the smell came
Thinking the clouds were bad omens following like negativity
An electric charge shot burning through us upon first entry
As the dirt welcomed more than ashes and dust
The storm came unexpected in a timing all new to us for
Some seek shelter and hide from but others dance in it
Like children in rain understanding much more than we give credit for
That moving on is much better in any weather
Than remaining stagnant sulking in once was sweet
But now turned bitter impatient drenched in pain
When the rains cleanse and storms stir up everything
Everything that the generations of tomorrow depend
Love, hope, promise, ability to cope (in a healthy way)
Honor, integrity, health, longevity, substance, passion, patience,
Prosperity, purpose, self-love YES & Self-worth not forgetting to show
Respect & Understanding, compassion and careful planning for tomorrow
Helping us to accept and enjoy now
Through Love, in Love, Giving and showing how to Love
The right ways and paths we experience and know
Trying to hold on feeling that like life & death this too shall pass
But a seed always remains with everything else lingering around & within us
Surging through us is life as sweet waters rise with tides
As I just walked outside hearing the wind rush I stood in it as
It gently spanked the leaves with love taps I remembered Trust
Urging others no to be so cautious with rose’s thorn that…
There lives truth in hiding behind lover’s scorn that-
Miracles stand as enough worth with a new life born
Inviting all to partake & patiently wait
For their Beautiful Storm